Full Bodied with a Bouquet All Her Own

During my expat days it was not possible to buy imbibing liquids but it was possible to distill, brew and ferment. Having made product, it is in the nature of man to share and to compete and we had several Fests and Festivals throughout the year. At one such Festival each competitor was invited to extol the virtues of his/her product and this was my extolment

You are welcome to use all or some of these verses for non commercial purposesHoose of Geordie Wine

What can ah tell yer aboot me wineAh suppose ah could tell yer it’s just fineThat it beats aall the restCos it’s British at its bestFrom the vineyards in the Valley of the TyneIt’s so good it meks them Froggies jealousCos when it comes to wine they can be ower zealousWint yer tell us how te forgeVotre Chateau de GeorgeVotre secret vous must tell usHadaway, says I, vous’ll niver larn from meDiven’t ask cos vous’ll niver get a ouiWhey they analyzed me winesAnd tuk cuttings from me vinesBut sacre bleu, they cudn’t trouve the keyWhey the key, ye see, isn’t in the way the grapes are grownIt’s how they’re aall squashed up in a geet big vat of stoneTrodded doon by Big SallyThe best squasher in the ValleyShe’s full bodied with a bouquet aall her own

Big Sally at work

Aah cud ta’alk aall neet wi zeal and zestAboot me wine that’s undoubtedly the bestBut me marketing techniqueIs to stand here and speakAboot the crap that comprises aall the restChateau Wales reminds me of the liquid thatYer find on yer windscreen where the flies are aall squashed flatAh suppose it is quite drinkableBut to me it’s just unthinkableAnd ah wadn’t even give it to wor cat(And ah hate wor cat)Chateau Scotland am telt was made last JuneBy some wifies roond a cauldron neath the moonStill yer might think it’s the trumpsIf yer spit oot aall the lumpsAnd yer use something canny to wash it doonHave yer tasted the Southern Softie stuff, it’s the pitsIt’s full o’ floaters and other chewy bitsTho’ it’s nee gud as a drinkIt’ll clean yer bog and sinkAnd it’s great for getting rid of aall yer zitsThe Yorkshire wine is a rather putrid sightThe makers claim it’s a cheeky little whiteIn their advertising blurbThey say it is superbBut te me that’s aall a load of …verbiageAnyhoo since Hoose of Geordie is undootedly the bestThere’s nee point in me just slaggin aall the restSo bonny lads and canny hinnies, Mesdames et MessieursVous etres obviously connoisseursWho can recognise the ultimate testWhat yer need is a wine that is suitedFor just getting totally newtedOr at a do such as thisJust quietly nissedHoose of Geordie, it’s the best, nee doot aboot it

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Fuelled by Beer and Wine

This is the continuing story of Dick and Mary. But first let me tell you who invented the Snickers candy bar because every day thousands of people ask this of the search engines.

And so they came to the Middle East. In 1979. Since then they've churned out babiesFuelled by beer and wine

The Who who invented the Snickers candy bar was Frank Mars

Frank and Ethel Mars built a candy company in Tacoma, Washington in 1911. It became Mars Inc. In 1923 Milky Way chocolate/nougat bar was born and in 1930 the Snickers Candy Bar was invented, named after a favourite Mars family horse.

It consists of peanut butter nougat topped with roasted peanuts and caramel, covered with milk chocolate. Snickers Candy Bar is the best selling chocolate bar of all time and has annual global sales of US $2 billion.

It was called Marathon in the UK for reasons which are far from obvious and in 1990 Mars hugely increased the popularity of the product in the UK by doing what?....changing its name to the highly successful one of the previous 60 years, Snickers

Deep Fried Snickers Candy Bars are available in the US as are the more famous deep fried Mars Bars, a product born in Scotland. It is said to have been invented in the Haven Chip Bar in Stonehaven near Aberdeen on Scotland's North-East coast, in 1995.

http://poetry-verses.blogspot.com/2008/12/invented-snickers-candy-bar.html has now done its job

And talking of bars it's where we pick up Dick

Chris Barton tells a storyThat's pertinent tonightAbout an Airport lay overWhile on a returning flight

The Airport was really grottyYou can probably guess whereYeah knowing tight fist BartonHe'd be flying Eg-pt Air

That's right he was in Ca-ro AirportAs you know, that's no jokeAnd there among the squalorHe spied a cloud of smoke

Having nothing else at all to doAnd with six hours to waitHe headed for the cloud of smokeTo investigateNow this cloud of smoke was sittingSlouched against the barAnd so to be sociableChris said "Are you going far?"

"All the way" replied the smokeThen ordered another drink"What's your name?" Chris asked the smokeIt answered "Dick...I think"

They both smoked like chimneysThey occasionally had a peeAnd they got to know each otherOver a drink or three

They sustained themseves with Snickers candy barsThey were in for a Marathon boutThey probaby wondered who invented themChris would guess it was Mars, no doubt

They got totally plasteredThey had a laugh and cracked a jokeHappy as pigs in IsraelCucooned in their smoke

It was while discussing money (That's what expats do)And toasting Arab oilA thought came into Chris's headWould Dick be good for soil?

Chris didn't really know Dick thenIn that terminal loungeBut now he knew Dick was in LandscapingHe'd be handy for a scrounge

Dick's always facing scroungersFrom near and from farEven a perfect strangerIn a foreign bar

Plants, flowers, soilEven fertiliser...Dick deals in itWhat's new? Everyone in this placeHas to handle sh-t

This ditty is brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

OK, Dick has had the lion's shareOf insults tonightLet's have a go at MaryIt would be only right

Does Mary like to take a drink?Was Hitler fond of war?At the '81 Burns NightShe was flat out on the floor

It was on that particular nightWhen she'd had more than a dramShe said in her defense "Am no so drinkAs tinkle peep I am"

Burns Night is reserved for ScotsBut do they invite Dick?

Yeah, they need a token EnglishmanThey need someone to kick

Yes Mary's often on the floor

But to be absolutely fairIt's not always her faultSometimes it's the chair

Ah yes, we discussed the Salisbury's leavingAt the Am dram theatre meetingOn the one hand, we lose Dick's flowersBut on the other, we save on seating

So you're saying Mary likes to drinkYes she does and howLook at her head..there's the proofShe's even plastered now

(Mary was actually heavily bandaged, after a fall)

I'm told that our MaryLikes the Cambridge DietHow would she know? she's always pregnantShe's got no time to try it

This ditty is brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

Let's return to DickI've heard to Cyprus he's not averseWell, he hardly knows the placeBut he knows every single nurse!

I don't exactly understandWhat you just said

Well, Dick went to CyprusAnd spent the whole time in bed

You see for most who go on holidayIt's the hotel cost that killsDick books into hospitalsThe Company pays all the bills

Nine long years they've been living hereNo wonder Dick's a wreckI've heard he's got an enormous one

Yes an enormous final cheque

Right, this is verse 76Let's end this rhymeBecause yes folks, you've guessed

It's pressie giving time

This ditty was brought to you courtesy of Who Invented the Snickers Candy Bar

Those of you who would like to read the entire poem without the Search Engine quirks can do so here