Funny Poems Christmas

Its that time of year again for Funny Poems Christmas. No, I haven't got dyslexia. That's how funny Christmas poems are most commonly searched forCatherine Masters complained that the Queen sent her the same birthday card each year and this prompted Fred MacAuley who has a newsy chat show on BBC Radio Scotland to discuss how to make an impact when sending Christmas cards.Olive of Olive Designs, a card maker was on the show to talk about card making and I was invited on as a card verse writerShould you be so inclined you can listen to the show on hereRadio Showbut below are the two verses I wrote to illustrate how verses can be personalised. The first is a verse that the Queen might penAs your Queen and SovereignIt behoves one to sayArise! On Christmas morningAnd have a wonderful dayMy husband and I(And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men)Want your annus to be wonderfulisIn two thousand and ten(Annus mirabilis is the correct Latin phrase meaning "wonderful year" but that's just not funny. Phillip Larkin wrote...life was never better thanIn nineteen sixty-three(Though just too late for me) -Between the end of the Chatterley banAnd the Beatles' first LP.)At the end of the piece Fred asked for another sample personalised verse which I'm glad to say I had prepared beforehand. This is for a card I shall send to the programmeTo the very best Beeb radio showMerry Christmas MacAuley and CoMay 2010, the year anewBring continued success to Fred and crewMore Funny Poems ChristmasThis funny poems Christmas blog page is copyright Jon Bratton but of course individuals, including Her Majesty, may use the material for non commercial purposes

Flippin Christmas Verses

These are the original verses for Flippin' Christmas Throne scene. They were condensed slightly on the actual production because of space restrictionsHere's Santa sittingHaving a right good readAhead of him is Christmas EveA busy night indeedHe's got to visit a billion homesThat's an awful lot to doHe'll have no time for readingOr sitting on the looHope your Christmas is the greatestAs you relax a little bitAnd after all that over indulgenceYou deserve a right good sit.Have a good 'unAnd may you be sitting pretty in the coming year.To see more of the range visit Flippin Christmas Verses at LaPashe'Flippin Christmas Verses' blogpage 2009

St Georges Day

Today is not only St Georges Day but...Today is St George's and the Bard's Birth and Death dayHave the happiest of daysJust pondering...if he was born and died on the same dayHow come he wrote so many flippin’ playsJon Bratton © 2007This next one was written for a specific person…the name has been changedGOLFER / BIRTHDAY ON ST GEORGE'S DAY / EXOTIC HOLIDAYSJames Drummond Justice BrownYou've reached the big Five 0And still in shape, despite suppin aleAt 80 shillings a go ....You occasionally spoil a good walkKnocking a ball o'er dales and hillsAnd as a Tory with Healey eyebrowsYou really need your acting skillsFor Holidays you avoid the madding crowdFrom Costa del Sol you'd run a milePreferring instead the Orient ExpressOr an exotic Western IsleYou're a Noel Coward kind of chapThat's clear from the life you forgeAnd as a Taurus you share the destinyOf the Bard and bold St GeorgeExcept you're not so much a writerMore a talker, it must be saidand you've never slain a dragon.... you married her instead!This was written for a competition. It didn’t win because after I had written it, I realised that the competition had been held the year previousT'was just after Easter, I was wearing me bonnetI sat down to write this Shakespearean sonnetAs an Imperial I ne'er shout of centimetresIambically speaking, know nowt of pentametersThis sonnet's to celebrate St George's DayA rare opportunity for me to sayIt's ironic, nay verily, more idioticThat a Palestinian Turk makes me feel patrioticAt the next World Cup, may England prevailAt the Plymouth Arms, may this win me free aleJon Bratton © 2007This is one of a series of silly ditties I wrote for the webpage you can reach by following the link belowPoem For Susan GeorgeIt's 23rd AprilThis card is sent to sayTo the hard of hearing and dyslexicsToday's your special dayJon Bratton © 2007Click the LinkFor moreSt Georges Day Poems

Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem

Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem

21st April 2009

Ma'am, or to use your Official Title,'Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland' it behoves me as the Doggeret Laureate to write a little number for your 83rd Birthday. It goes like this

On this day 83 years ago, Lilibet was born

And it just couldn’t be foreseenThat one day the baby PrincessWould become our QueenHer uncle would become the KingAnd have children of his ownAnd the eldest of those childrenWould ascend to the throneBut Uncle Bertie abdicatedAnd her Dad as King was boundWhen he died, Her Royal Highness The Princess ElizabethAs our Queen was crownedThis is a birthday tribute, Your MajestyIt gives me much pleasureTo say happy 83rd birthday Ma’am,Our Queen and National TreasureJon Bratton 2009If you want more, click the linkQueen Elizabeth II Birthday PoemThis Queen Elizabeth's Birthday Poem is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Sorry Poems

Image from http://gleesongleanings.wordpress.com/2008/06/

I'm working on a new website http://www.poem-poetry.com/ and I needed to add a Sorry Poems page. Most people search for Sorry verses or poems when Apology verses or poems would be more appropriate

Here's some of the poems I came up with.

Lets make up and forget.What I did, I regret

***

It was so stupid what I saidI didn’t mind my Qs and PsI’ve won the Foot in Mouth awardForgive me please

***

If I was a blood splattered runaway lorryI couldn't feel more sorryIf I was a serial love cheat like Ken or Deirdre from CorryI couldn't feel more sorryIf I was a mud and slime filled, alligator infested quarryI couldn't feel more sorryThat's how sorry I am

These light hearted poems are sorry (apology) poems for friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, husband,wife, boss, teacher etc to say I'm sorry I hurt you, I am sorry to risk our friendship, I am sorry I did or didn't do something. They are poems to apologise, they are not to say sorry for your loss or sorry you are leaving

This Sorry Poems blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poems may be used for private non commercial purposes but not for publishing on a website

St Patricks Day Poems

This wonderful image is fromhttp://www.wondercliparts.com/holidays/st_patricks_day/

Well worth a visit

Next Tuesday is St Patrick's Day so the search has started for St Patricks Day Poems. Here's one I've just penned

Ah, Good Luck te ye, Good Luck te ye

Here's some words I'm urged to say

Leprechauns, shamrock and rainbowsAnd have a happy St Paddy's Day

More words.. New York, mind me harpGreen hats, for sure and green beer tooAnd drinking gallons of GuinnessIt's the law, it's what you've got to do

Top o' the morning to youFrom the bottom o' me heart

Erin go Bragh(Ireland Forever)

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's poem #2 in my St Patricks Day Poems collection

Wear a big hat

But it must be green

Drink some Guinness

It's March Seventeen

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link

St Patricks Day Poems

This 'St Patricks Day Poems' blog is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. Individuals may use the poem for non commercial purposes

Bosses Day Poems

http://www.omahaballoon.com/id24.html

'Bosses Day Poems' is a popular search term and Boss's Day, held each year on 16 October, is a big event in USA although even there it is considered by some to be an observance too far.

I've seen it alleged that we observe it in the UK on 24th March but I haven't been able to confirm that.

It is certainly a popular search term and although there are lots of websites seeking the traffic I couldn't find any that actually provide any bosses day poems to speak of.

So to right a wrong I have written some and whilst they are for the free use of individuals for non commercial purposes, woe betide any website publishers who filch this material. I can detect plagiarism and will take action against any theft of intellectual property.

Here goes with my newly created Bosses Day Poems collection... I just rattled them off this morning

Thank you for toleratingMy occasional mistakeAnd for the blind eye you turnWhen I dash in late

Thank you for your guidanceWhen the chips are downAnd for getting no angrierThan a somewhat stern frown

Thank you, in anticipation,For a raise in my payWhich I richly deserveFor sucking up to you in this overblown wayOh, and BossHave a terrific Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another in my Bosses Day Poems collection

Being the one in chargeIs definitely hardAnd is sometimes thanklessHence this card

Those who work with you

Wish to say

Thank you muchlyOn Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Poem # 3 of Bosses Day PoemsYou always give your best

And inspire others to do likewise

That you are appreciated

Should come as no surprise

Your kind of leadership skills

Is a talent, that‘s true...

One that’s appreciated and valued

It’s good working for, and with, you.Happy Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Bosses Day Poems continues with this one

You inspire us, encourage us

And protect us from harm

You know when to turn up the heat

And when to stay calm

You direct us and praise us

And keep us on track

Consider this message

A hearty slap on the back

We really appreciate

All that you do and say

This comes with big thanks

To you, Boss, on your Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's the last of my Bosses Day Poems

If Oscars were given to bossesI'd nominate youIf Olympic medals were won by bossesYour Gold is overdueIf Nobel Prizes were awarded to bossesYou would have quite a fewIf Honorary degrees were granted to bossesYou'd have some of them tooThank You Very Much Poems are given to bossesAnd this is mine to you

Jon Bratton 2009

For those seeking more boss appreciation poems here's a link

Bosses Day Poems

Burns Night Speeches

Burns Night Speeches

There's no hard and fast rules about Burns Night speeches but Burns Nights do tend to have one thing in common, summarised by this little ditty by me

Do the Scots like to drink?Was Hitler fond of war?At the end of a Burns NightThey're all flat out on the floor

Burns Night Speeches begin usually with Grace (and end often in disgrace)

Some hae meat and canna eat;And some wad eat that want it:But we hae meat and we can eatAnd sae the Lord be thankit.

Coming next in the Burns Night Speeches is usually the Address to a Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!Burns Night Speeches include theImmortal MemoryOne of the guests gives a short speech, celebrating aspects of Burns' life or poetry. This should be entertaining, generally light hearted but there will be Burns Nights held which are intensely serious. Avoid these at all costs unless you are one of those Scots whose company most Scots would seek to avoidThe Immortal Memory finishes with a toast to Robert Burns which is just one of many drinks consumed during the evening.

To Rabbie Burns...drink, drink

The Burns Night Speeches usually continue with a Toast to the LassiesThis is a short speech given by a male guest, normally amusing, thanking women for preparing the food, extolling the virtues of women generally and ending in a toast which of course involves inbibing alcohol. The astute ones among you will have spotted the emergence of a theme.

To the Lassies...drink, drink

It's only right and proper that this should be followed by a reply from the lassies, proposing a Toast to the Laddies.

There is a lack of material out there so I have adapted a Toast to the Lassies, which hopefully won't offend the original author, credited below

My you laddies can be a curious pestAy'ways chunterin' on when we need rest.If we disagree, you ay'ways ken bestThen the silence is lang.Then begins the game where we huv' tae guessWhat we did wrangIn time o' needWhen you need to answer nature's ca'You jist pee agin the wa'We huv tae go alang twa by twaLike there's a tether.Then stand in line for hours, an a'Jist fur a blether.When we're stappit fu' wi' cold or flu,Or a fever that we can't subdue,We pray some tenderness may ensue,But where's the fuss?When laddies get sick one thing is trueThey're no as ill as us!But chief among your faults sae heinous,Is the obsession o' the penis,The whean o' pleasure it hae gein us,We're aye glad now the mighty phallusHas its uses.Inspiring bold John Thomas's wan e'eIs still nature's prime necessityIn the race of life tae pregnancy,Agin the body's clock.Where would we be if no fur thee,Tick-tock, tick-tock!A man needs a wife when he comes hame.Fair scunnered sittin' there on his ain,A bachelor's life is such a shame,The puir wee thing,He needs a lassie tae tak' his name,Mak his hert sing.I've never seen a more handsome sight,Than the laddies gathered here tonight.Rabbie himself would agree I'm right.This I know.In better words he'd show his delight,And tell you so.So here's tae our laddies, let’s be fair,Whether blond or black, or lack o' hair.There known as friends 'n' lovers 'n' mairthan hopeless dancers.Its' a' we can dae no tae stop and stare,Like glaikit chancers!Yes, here's tae our laddies.May you aye be near.Lassies, please lift your wine or beerAnd with one voice and hearty cheerAt times they’re baddies,But where would we be if they weren't here?

To the Laddies...drink, drinkOriginal work by Alisdair Smith of Dunblane, Scotland. January 2002.

Not just to consume another drink but more in tribute to the Bard, a toast could be proposed to, say, a Fart, in the style of The Man Himself's tributeTo A Mouse, which starts

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Tae A Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,There sterts to stir an enormous wind.The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,Stert workin like a gentle breeze.But soon the puddin' wi the sauncie face,Will have ye blawin' all ower the place.Nae matter whit ye try tae dae,A'bodys gonnae have tae pay.Even if ye try to stifle,It's like a bullet oot a rifle.Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair,Tae try and stop the leakin' air.Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek,Pray tae God it doesny reek.But aw yer efforts go assunder,Oot it comes ? a clap o' thunder.Ricochets aroon the room,Michty me, a sonic boom!God almighty it fairly reeks,Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks!Tae the loo I better scurry,Aw who cares, its no ma worry.A'body roon aboot me chokin,Wan or two are nearly bokinI'll feel better for a while,Cannae help but raise a smile."Wis him!" I shout with accusin' glower,Alas too late, he's just keeled ower!"Ye dirty thing!" they shout and stare,I don't feel welcome any mair.Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free,Sounds like just the job fur me.Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty,Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty!!!

Let's toast the fart,

To the Fart... drink, drink

Perhaps next in the Burns Night Speeches could come

Tam o' Shanter.WHEN chapman billies leave the street,And drouthy neebors, neebors meet;

To Tam...drink, drink

The Burns Night speeches could continue with a Toast to the Downcoming of a Sassanach

To the downcoming of a Sassanach ...drink, drink

And next in the Burns Night Speeches could be a Toast, thusly

Help ma boab, I'm feeling drouthy, thorstyI propose a toast to a...to a...to a toastieTo a toastie...drink, drink

And so it continues until everyone is thoroughly

toasted...drunk, drunk

For more Burns Night speeches, here's a link

Burns Night Speeches

Burns Night this year is this coming Sunday 25th January and that's only a fortnight or so from St Valentine's Day so let's seamlessly link into the next few blogs, which will concentrate on Valentine Poems, by finishing with Rabbie's poem/song lyrics

My Love is Like a Red Red Rose

O, my love is like a red, red rose,That's newly sprung in June.O, my love is like a melody,That's sweetly play'd in tune.As fair thou art, my bonnie lass,So deep in love am I,And I will love thee still, my dear,Till a' the seas gang dry.Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,And the rocks melt wi' the sun!And I will love thee still, my dear,While the sands of life shall run.And fare the weel, my only love!And fare the well awhile!And I will come again, my love.Tho it were ten thousand mile!

©Jon Bratton © 2009

Principal Retirement Poems

This image was used on the framed tribute presented to the retiring principal. It is by Jim Harker

These Principal retirement poems were written for specific people but there are generic verses which can be used and others can be adapted

The Principal's (Headmaster's) Dilemma

Should I continue rigging league tables

Or retire early instead

I'm afraid the school's lost the race

By just a short head

A raspberry to the (Community Members) (Governors) Report

Difficult parents know what they can do

I'm off to play a bit of golf

Err...and scrub a floor or two

Oh dear...I'll have to do the housework

Scrubbing floors and all that stuff

'Cos (the significent other) (her indoors) will have to work

The pension's not enough

This retirement lark's not easy

There's no gain without the pain

It can't be golf AND gardening

My knees won't stand the strain

Let's see...choir...golf...housework

That's an awful lot to do

I'm far too old to retire

This retirement needs a review

Should I stick to my cushy number

Or vacuum and tend the soil?

I'll let the flip of a coin decide

Is it a Head or Toil?

More Principal Retirement Poems

Tribute to Principal

James, you're a very caring (guy)(bloke)A principal with principles, so trueYou (cycle), (drink) and (play guitar)Not an easy thing to doYour love of Central AmericaCan be seen on what you wearIt's an odds on bet, to say you areJust a little left of Blair

You're big on sport and keeping fitAnd on America's Cuban flopYou're big on EducationYou're just very big...full stop

You fast on all your white daysAnd have red and green days tooAnd you're also fond of the light brown daysWhen you sup a pint or two

This tribute's endorsed by all the staffAnd your friends, of which there's manyThe Government saved a quid or twoBut squandered a good Penney

Principal Retirement Poems express the same sentiments as teacher appreciation/thank you/retirement poems and thank you poems when the teacher/principal stays but the student leaves. This next one is adapted from a sudent leaving poem I wrote a couple of years back

To mark your retirementWe'd like to tell you how we feel;Our heartfelt appreciationIs deeply felt and real.

You're a really great principal/teacher/managerThat's what we all sayAnd as a Thank You for all you've doneWe're giving you an A

On second thoughts that's not enoughFor helping all of us.So you get this THANK YOU,As well as this A PLUS

No, that's not enough eitherFor the principal that you areYou get this Thank You, an A+As well as this GOLD STAR

Enjoy many years of retirement

Jon Bratton © 2005

©These Principal Retirement Poems are by Jon BrattonThey are copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. They are free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use

Happy New Year poems, Quotes, Messages, Toasts

Happy New Year

As I write this, in England, it is getting on for noon on New Year's Eve which means it's already the New Year in places east of Australia.

In one hour from now the fireworks will go off in Sydney.

This blog, hosted as it is by Google, is on Californian time so it's a long time for you guys to wait

If you came here looking for things to say at New Year for a card or a toast, I've written and gathered some verses, poems, quotes, messages for you

Let's start with this which I wrote moments ago

My New Year wish, this year for you

Is for your best year yet

A year where wants are very few,

But what you want, you get.

Here's some quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

Here's a toast

May all the dreams in your eyes,

all the desires in your heart and all

the hopes in your life blend together,

to give you the most spectacular

New Year ever.

...and a little ditty

The New Year lies before you

Like a spotless tract of snow

Be careful how you tread on it

For every mark will show.

~Author Unknown~

Here's Rabbie Burns' contibution

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And never brought to mind?Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And auld lang syne!Chorus:For auld lang syne, my dear,For auld lang syne.We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,For auld lang syne.And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!And surely I'll be mine!And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,For auld lang syne.ChorusWe twa hae run about the braes,And pou'd the gowans fine;But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,Sin' auld lang syne.ChorusWe twa hae paidl'd in the burn,Frae morning sun till dine;But seas between us braid hae roar'dSin' auld lang syne.ChorusAnd there's a hand, my trusty fere!And gie's a hand o' thine!And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,For auld lang syne.ChorusHere's Alfred Lord Tennyson contribution from his well-known poem, "In Memoriam"

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

And that's it.

Wherever in the World you are, let me wish you a

Happy New Year!

Christmas Comedy Poems

Christmas Comedy PoemsSanta has to visit 378 million kids

In 108 million homes, it’s reckonedBecause of the Earth’s rotation he’s got 31 hoursThat’s 967.7 visits per second.

That’s 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh,Fill the stockings, eat a snack

Climb up the chimneyClean off the black and refill the sack

His total trip is 75.5 million miles,

That’s 650 miles per second, to fly

In a sleigh carrying 500 thousand tons,Plus one very fat guy

He needs 360,000 reindeersPayload now 600,000 tons, let’s supposeGenerating 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second

No wonder Rudolf has a red nose

With acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.Santa is pinned to the back of the sleighBy 4.3 million pounds of force,

Christmas Eve, for him, is one tough day

Hope he is good to you

And all the best for 2009

Now if you’ve been sent here from my other website on the pretext that you’ll find great Christmas verses/poems for parents, friends, children, Christians, your pastor, your lover, your spouse and your boss then this is your lucky day for this is the very poem I’ve sent to my Mum (Mom) Arthur, my friend, my two kids, my Christian cousin, my pasta ( I don’t have a pastor but I’m particularly fond of a pepperoni pasta, which at this time of year I like to be deep and crisp and even), my lover, my spouse and my boss (those last three were just one person). Without further more, here’s the poem you have come, in droves, to see and I defy you not to copy and paste it and send it to the group of your acquaintances I have just over-spammed

What does a reindeer hang on his Christmas tree?

Horn-aments of courseBut not his horns, coz without his hornsHe’d be a horseWhere would a reindeer go if it lost its tail?

To a re-tail shop, it’s true

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?

Anything… coz he can’t hear you!How do you get into Rudolf's house?

You ring the deer-bell!Who would get a gift from Santelope?

A well behaved gazelleWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve !What do you call a letter sent up the chimney ?

Black mail, I believeWho delivers cat's Christmas presents ?

Well that’s Santa Paws !

And Dumbo’s Christmas presents?

That’s Elephanta Claus !What do snowboys wear on their heads ?

Ice caps, but just until they’re olderWhen the snowboy offended his snowgirlfriend

She gave him the cold shoulder !What do you call an Eskimo cow ?

I’d say an Eskimoo !

How do snowmen travel about?

By icicle, that’s hooYou’re probably thinking that to make up this intellectual stuff

Expensive poetry lessons were boughtWell you’d be wrong, so there

I am completely elf taught

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZThat’s my Christmas message, can you tell?

You like it? You get it? Well??

There’s no L,

Noel,

I need a glass of HIJKLMNO

H to OH2OEnough alreadyI really need to go

But hey have a really Merry ChristmasBut take it steady on the pisteOr you’ll be sending messages to your friendsAs ridiculous as thisteEnjoy and remember a dog is not just for ChristmasThere’ll be loads left overFor Boxing Day and to make soup with the carcassBy the way, his name was RoverCatch the Christmas spiritChristmas beer, port, Champers, Baileys and, if you must, mulled wineAnd all the very bestFor two-00-nine

Here's some

More Christmas Comedy Poems

but first

Pimp My Sleigh

and nowIf Santa was....

If Santa was a (surname)Cockneyan OzzieCalifornianLiverpudlianfrom Anytownetc

If Santa was a (New Yorker)He'd be a builder on the sideBecause chimneys are very narrowAnd Santa's very wideOvernight, there would appearA big hole in your roofAnd you'd know that Santa did itBut you wouldn't have the proofIn January, S. Claus Roofing ContractorsWould take your remaining moneyWhile you saved up for the arrivalOf the (New York) Easter Bunny___

If Santa was a (Durham lad)There'd be money to be madeGetting a Christmas singleIn the hit paradeWith a waistline just like Meatloaf'sAnd a beard like ZZ Top'sHe'd have the perfect imageTo make Top of the PopsAnd you'd have to get his recordCos' if it wasn't on your listYou'd find on Christmas morningYou'd been accidently missed__

If Santa was (as shrewd as you)He'd take a royalty shareOf the billions of Santa cardsPublished every yearHe'd be bigger than Walt DisneyAnd Spielberg put togetherHe'd move to a tax havenAnd enjoy the better weatherAnd if you expected him to visit youYou'd have to save up all the SummerHouse calls are expensiveHave you ever called a plumber?_____

If Santa was a (Techie)He'd suss out there's no wayTo visit 100 million homesIn a reindeer powered sleighHe'd use the latest technologyTo get his deliveries doneIn time to have a pint or twoAnd a bit of Christmas funThe reindeers would be his pit stop crewHe'd drive a BenettonAnd all Summer long he'd make extra doshWinning Formula One__

If Santa was a (Chav)He'd join the dole queueBecause apart from Christmas deliveriesHe's got nothing else to doBut he wouldn't put his feet upAnd watch daytime TVHe'd find himself an "earner"Strictly cash - no VATAs he's got a reindeer farmHe'd probably be foundOn a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgersOutside the football ground

Do not read this last one if you're easily offended

Christmas Comedy Poem which is rudy, dirty, naughty but not veryA most distinguished ladyWalks into a tattoo parlour, and sits down.The owner is amazed to see such a womanIn his seedy shop, in this seedy townImmediately he goes over to the womanTo find out why.To his shock, (and utter delight), she lifts up her dress,And points to her right inner thigh..Very high up.... "Right here," she says"I want a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving' See?”Then she points to her left inner thigh“Here I want a decorated Christmas tree,And I want the words 'Christmas Day'“.The tattoo artist, still staring at the woman’s thighSaid "Lady it's none of my business,But I just gotta ask why?”"Well," replies the lady "I’m sick of hearing my husband sayThere’s never anything good to eatBetween Thanksgiving and Christmas Day"Jon Bratton copyright two-00-eight

Click on the comments to see Mariah's contribution to Christmas comedy poems about mad Christmas pressie buying entitled T'was the Night Before Black Friday