Dirty SMS

Your dirty sms colection for today :1. Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.2. Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does when you have an orgasm?Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!3. UR msgs r like a Girl's Period, comes once a month for 3-4days & disappears. But My msgs r like a Man's Sperms that come Daily or Twice a Day. So msg like a Man.4. A loving husband tattooed I LOVE U on his dick n showed it to his wife. She replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"5. What's the geographical definition of sex?It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from Greece!If you like it, please subscribe or come back again to see the lates updates !

Sexy Jokes 093008

1. Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quickwithout her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps upand says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know butmy ass sure hurts."2. A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?"Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in thecrotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay andleaves quickly.Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,and leaves.A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassingly says "I've never done this before. I don'tknow what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs himand yells "Clean up in aisle 4!" 3. The manager of an Irish club was talking to a young player who had applied fora trial with the club. 'Do you kick with both feet?' asked the manager.'Don't be silly!' said the trialist. 'If I did that, I wouldn't be able tostand up, would I!’

Sexy Dirty Jokes 082708

1. After a passionate night of making love, the guy rolled over, pulled out a stick of cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.Unable to find it, he then asked the girl on the bed if she had one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," girl said.He opened the drawer near table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.Naturally, the guy began to worry and asked."Is this your husband?" guy inquired nervously."No, silly," girl replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" guy said."No, not at all," girl nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."2. The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality."We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Bar Jokes 080808

1. A man is out, driving happily along in his car late oneSaturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.The cop walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?""Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?""No," replied, the cop, "You were driving splendidly.It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."2. The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "you trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?""you could say that," the guy replied."it usually doesn't work, you know.""no suc*," the man moaned. "i can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

Text Messaging Abbreviations 080708

1. I12 spnd D nyt w/u - I want to spend the night with you.2. luvA....I wntU NcyD me agn...soon! - Love you, I want you inside me again... soon. 3. i wsh U wr a door thN i cUd bang yall dy lng - I wish you were a door then, I could bang you all day long.

Sexy Text Messages 080608

1. You are the fire burning inside of me; you are my passion for life.2. I want to evoke such a passion within you that leaves us both breathless.3. Can you come over here and give me a good rub down?

dirty text messages 080408

1. When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.2. An 80-year-old millionaire man engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old sexy model.He see his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you are completely healthy but I must tell you just one thing.""What's that doc?", asks the millionaire."At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly" the doctor said.Bill thinks for a couple of minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."

Naughty text messages 073108

1. Today it's cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to havea small penis too. Then you, my friend - will be THE MAN!2. Baby i have an addiction problem.People say i shud go to rehab but i always tellthem i don't want to go cause im addicted to...YOU3. Of all the babes you're my selection.Please don't give me a rejection.My teeth are clean for your inspection so give my mouth a tongue injection!

Sexy Messages 082808

1. Nothing is more beautiful to me than you wearing only the moonlight and my kisses.
2. I can feel the fiery passion of desire begging to be shared in a blissful night of paradise.
3. When you can count all the stars in the sky; that's when I'll stop wanting you.

Sexy Text Messages a432-a434

a432: A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book."I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book."Do you live around here?" she asked."Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"- Eddie.a433: A teacher asks a pupil which part of the body goes to heaven first, the pupil replies "legs miss! i’ve seen my mum with her legs in the air sreaming GOD IM F*CKING C*MING!!!"- nicey.a434: What are the three wonders of women? They produce milk without grazing, bleed for seven days, a mounth without dying, and bury a bone deeper than a dog without getting thier nose dirty.- nicey.

Sexy Text Messages a426-a428

a426: A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"
- Rabiul.

a427: Just after World War 2, a reporter was interviewing the head nun of a monastery in Italy regarding her experiences during the war.

"Oh it was terrible, terrible." She cried, "First the Italians raped us all except sister Matilda. Then the Germans raped us all except sister Matilda and then the Americans raped us all except sister Matilda."

"Oh I’m so sorry, it must be very difficult for you." replied the reporter, "But I’m curious, you said they all raped you except sister Matilda. Why didn’t anyone rape sister Matilda?"

"Oh sister Matilda," said the nun, wiping her eye, "She’s not interested in that sort of thing."
- Rabiul.

a428: Two guys John and Eddie were fishing by the banks of a lake. John was catching fish after fish but Eddie was not even getting a nibble.

Finally exasperated, Eddie asked John, "Hey, how come you’re getting so many fish and I’m not getting anything? What am I doing wrong?"

"What are you using for bait?" Asked John.

"Just regular bait, worms." Replied Eddie.

"Man, fish don’t eat worms these days." said John, "You gotta use the right kind of bait to catch fish now a days."

"What are they eating then?" asked Eddie curiously.

"Pussy man, pure pussy meat." said John with a grin.

"Pussy meat? Where’d you get it from?"

"Well, I know a guy who works in the morgue and whenever they get a dead body of a girl, he collects the pussy and sells it to me as fish bait." Explained John, "And man it works like magic. Fish can’t seem to get enough of it."

"Hmm..." said Eddie with a frown, "But I notice you keep sniffing the bait before you put it on the hook. Do you really have to smell the pussy?"

"Well...um..." replied John with a grin, "The guy from the morgue, he’s a real crook. Every now and then he tries to slip in an asshole."
- Rabiul.

Sexy Text Messages a414-a416

a414: We have had some fun times together. Remember when we were drivin and i stuck my ass out of the window and you stuck your head out and people thought we were twins?
- louise.

a415: You are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you while in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doing the same speed as you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation?
ANSWER: Get off the kids merry go round you piss-head.
- louise.

a416: If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?

Sexy Text Messages a393-a395

a393: A Lebanese guy named Elias walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of tissue papers. The pharmacist comes out and gives him a huge box of tissue papers. Elias says I do not want this huge box I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is all right it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri, a former Lebanese prime minister assassinated in 2005. So Elias takes it and walks away. The second day Elias returns to the pharmacy and asks for a tube of tooth paste. The pharmacist comes out and gives him an enormous tube of tooth paste. Elias says I do not want this enormous tube I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is alright it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri. So Elias takes it and walks away. The third day Elias returns to the pharmacy and stands outside, the pharmacist notices him, he comes out and says why don’t you come in, Elias says I am afraid, the pharmacist says, come in, there is no problem, how can I help you. Elias says I am afraid and ashamed today I need a condom.
- Gino.

a394: Jimmy goes to see his computer genius friend Charlie, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into Charlie’s room. Charlie is busy working on his computer.

"Hey Charlie, how ya doing my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary? She is hot."

"Oh I did not hire her, I actually developed her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She is a robot."

"Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."

"Yeah, and that is not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She is really good."

"Yowza!" Laughs Jimmy and taking the secretary hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there is a loud scream from Jimmy.

"Oh Hell," Says Charlie, "I forgot to tell him her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
- Rabiul.

a395: Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to another and both doctors were in a hotel room. Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again. The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you are a surgeon." The female doctors asks "How would you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anesthesiologist." The guy doc asks "How would you know?" The lady replies, "Because I did not feel a thing."
- Ann.

Sexy Text Messages a387-a389

a387: A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."
- kirk.

a388: Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell’s gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Jeffrey Dahmer. He’s being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Jeff in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me."

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don’t think this is for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
- Darxtar.

a389: A couple was having money problems... they were sitting down at the table eating supper, when the wife said... "I know... you could stop buying 3 24’s of beer every week"... the husband says... "no no I can’t do that, but what about you.... you spend like one hundred dollars on makeup a month you could give that up".... she says, "but dear... that’s to make me look pretty". The husband looks at her and says, "what the fuck do you think the beer is for".
- chikie.

Sexy Text Messages a378-a380

a378: You know those types of girls that are ugly-gnarly but the only thing that they have going for them are a set of huge bosom? There it is.

God was feeling a bit worn out, after all creating the entire universe and earth is a big task so he decided he would turn over the task of creating a new batch of humans to an apprentice. The apprentice was not that bright so God left simple instructions, just make them look like Adam and Eve. So the apprentice went off to work and started creating sculptures to be made real. God came back later and got ticked. What the deuce is this?! I told you to make humans! these are hairer than that monkey you made for me last week! the only thing he’s good for is a loofah! Okay, this is the last time I’m fixing your mistakes! And with that, God zapped the sculpture, causing 2 large mountains to protrude from the chest. And God then said, ’Good, let there be titties.’
- The Rock.

a379: What’s the definition of agony?

Sliding down a 20 foot razor blade, using your balls as brakes.
- Eml.

a380: Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a d*ckhead?"
- misskim.

Sexy Text Messages a369-a371

a369: Why do not you add me, minus your friends, divide your legs and multiply.
- Cameron Parker.

a370: What is worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
- ted.

a371: What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s *sshole have in common?
You know it is wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.
- Ice Dragon.

Sexy Text Messages a361-a363

a361: A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your p*ssy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."
- kirk.

a362: why do not women fart?
they don't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up enough pressure!
- Baker.

a363: An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Do not worry about that," says St. Peter, "it is only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening"?
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I ca not do this," says the old lady, "I’m off down to hell."
"You ca not go there," says St. Peter, "you will be raped and sodomized."
"Yes, but I have already got the holes for that."
- Bubba.

Sexy Text Messages a352

a352: A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
- Unknown.

Sexy Text Messages a346-a348

a346: If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?
- Lolabell.

a347: You are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you, in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doing the same speed as you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation?
ANSWER: Get the f*ck off the kids merry go round you piss-head.
- Derek.

a348: Can you believe after all that shit who finally got back together? Who? My ass cheeks.
- Scott.

Sexy Text Messages a340-a342

a340: 3 truck drivers died and met St. Peters at the Pearly Gates.
There was a JB Hunt, a Wal Mart, and an ole bull hauler truck driver.
St. Peters said, "I’m going to ask you 2 questions, I want you to answer them honestly."
He asked the JB Hunt and Wal Mart driver, "Have you ever cheated on your log books?"
They replied, "No sir."
St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"
They replied, " No we sure haven't."
St. Peters says, "You 2 go to door #1."
The ole bull hauler walks up there and St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your log book?"
The ole bull hauler replies, "Fuck yes I have, drove from New York to L.A. and never wrote down an hour either way."
St. Peters asks, "You ever cheated on your wife?"
The ole bull hauler replies, "Oh hell yes, there’s this bitch in New Mexico that gives the best blow job in the world!"
St. Peters tells him, "You go to door #2."
The ole bull hauler strolls over and looks back at St. Peters, "Why am I going to door #2 and those 2 assholes are going to door #1?"
St. Peters replies, "Cause those 2 are going to hell for lying and you and I are going to New Mexico!"
- Corey Dunkin.

a341: A penis said to the balls, "Get ready. We’re going to a party."
"You f*cking liar," the balls said. "You always get in and leave us outside."
- Derek.

a342: There were two babies inside their mothers womb. Baby number one asks
baby number two."what do you want to be when you grow up?" Baby
number two says, " I want to be a plumber" Baby number one asks baby
number two, "why do you want to be a plumber?" Baby number two replies" I
want to get out of here sometime, and I will need to know how to get all of
this water out" Baby number two asks baby number one," what do you want
to be when you grow up?" Baby number one replies, " I want to be a fighter"
Baby number two asks," why do you want to be a fighter?" Baby number one
replies, " Because, Next time that bald guy sticks his head in hear I'm going to
kick his ass!"
- Jacob Jordan.