Happy New Year poems, Quotes, Messages, Toasts

Happy New Year

As I write this, in England, it is getting on for noon on New Year's Eve which means it's already the New Year in places east of Australia.

In one hour from now the fireworks will go off in Sydney.

This blog, hosted as it is by Google, is on Californian time so it's a long time for you guys to wait

If you came here looking for things to say at New Year for a card or a toast, I've written and gathered some verses, poems, quotes, messages for you

Let's start with this which I wrote moments ago

My New Year wish, this year for you

Is for your best year yet

A year where wants are very few,

But what you want, you get.

Here's some quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

Here's a toast

May all the dreams in your eyes,

all the desires in your heart and all

the hopes in your life blend together,

to give you the most spectacular

New Year ever.

...and a little ditty

The New Year lies before you

Like a spotless tract of snow

Be careful how you tread on it

For every mark will show.

~Author Unknown~

Here's Rabbie Burns' contibution

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And never brought to mind?Should auld acquaintance be forgot,And auld lang syne!Chorus:For auld lang syne, my dear,For auld lang syne.We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,For auld lang syne.And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!And surely I'll be mine!And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,For auld lang syne.ChorusWe twa hae run about the braes,And pou'd the gowans fine;But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,Sin' auld lang syne.ChorusWe twa hae paidl'd in the burn,Frae morning sun till dine;But seas between us braid hae roar'dSin' auld lang syne.ChorusAnd there's a hand, my trusty fere!And gie's a hand o' thine!And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,For auld lang syne.ChorusHere's Alfred Lord Tennyson contribution from his well-known poem, "In Memoriam"

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

And that's it.

Wherever in the World you are, let me wish you a

Happy New Year!

New Year Text Messages 301208

Messages 1: 2009 is at the door…RememberLife is short, break the rules,Forgive quickly,love truly,laugh uncontrollably,andnever regret anything that made you smile.Messages 2: New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.Messages 3: May this new year bring many opportunities to your way,to explore every joy of life&may your resolutions for the days ahead stay firm,turning all your dreams into realityand all your efforts into great achievements.Happy New Year to you & your loved ones.

Flippin' Men Verses Drinking

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

At home as it is in tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillage,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager

Forever and ever

Barmen

Author Unknown poem for use on card made using LaPashe decoupage sheets Flippin' Cheers

New Year Text Messages 281208

Messages 1: We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room-by-room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.Messages 2: Another fresh new year is here...Another year to live!To banish worry, doubt, and fear,To love and laugh and give!This bright new year is given meTo live each day with zest . . .To daily grow and try to beMy highest and my best!I have the opportunityOnce more to right some wrongs,To pray for peace, to plant a tree,And sing more joyful songs!”Messages 3: The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!

Funny Rhyme Poem

Family Politics

Welcome to yet another funny rhyme poem. At the bottom of this page are links to other short funny rhyming poems

A little boy asks his Dad

"What’s politics all about?”

His Dad said “I'm breadwinner of the family,

So I’m Capitalism, no doubt.

Your Mum (Mom), she's the Government.

She shops, she cares, she feeds,

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

You’re the People-we see to your needs

Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, it’s time to go to bed

And as you’re dropping off to sleep

Consider what I’ve said.

Later, the boy hears baby brother crying,A severely soiled nappy/diaper he foundSo the little boy goes to his parents' roomAnd finds his mother sleeping sound.

At the nanny's room he peeks insideLying next to nanny‘s, is Dad’s headHe quickly assesses the situationAnd goes back to bed.

The next morning, he says to his father,"Dad, politics I know the truth and realise."Dad says, "Good son, tell me in your own wordsAnd the little boy replies,

"While Capitalism screws the Working Class,The Government sleeps on it,The People are ignoredAnd the Future’s deep in shit."

Jon Bratton 2008

(based on a joke, by I know not)

Another funny rhyme poem

Short funny rhyming poems

Yet another funny rhyming poem

short comedy rhyme

very short funny poems

Examples of Onomatopoeia Poetry

From Batman

I can’t remember how old I was when I was first told of such word mechanisms as alliteration and onomatopoeia, quite young I think, but I remember being immediately interested.

I assume you came here as a teacher looking for teaching resources for Onomatopoeia so let’s start with a definition and a list of examples.

Onomatopoeia is the use of words whose sounds make you think of their meanings.

buzz, thump, pop, bam, bang,bing, boom, buzz, crackle, clang,clatter, creak, ding, dong, boomfizz, glug, growl, grunt, zoom

howl, hum, knock, whizz, plop

murmur, slap, ping, pong, pop,

rip, roar, smack, snap, splish

squawk, thud, tweet, wham, squish

whoosh, yawn, yelp, squeal, moan

rumble, croak, gurgle and groan

As a Geordie I have to add my favourite... 'plodge' as in “I plodged in the clarts”

Onomatopoeia as a concept needs to be taught but by the time it is, children have already come across it. Indeed every child learns it as soon as they can speak. Their first party piece is to answer “What does a duck say?” And one of the earliest songs they were taught was the onomatopoeia classic Old MacDonald's Farm. I deliberately left out of the list earlier the animal sounds woof, meow, neigh, oink, cluck, baaa, moo, quack etc

Even before their parents have told them, Fisher Price has done it subliminally. Indeed here’s a quote from Fisher Price describing a 12-18 month old child

“He/She says his/her first word (any time after 8 months). First words generally relate to objects: cats, dogs and buses are popular, as are sounds associated with food such as "Yummm."

You might think Nursery Rhymes are a rich source of onomatopoeia but I’m not sure they are. Two show promise in the title Ding Dong Bell and Baa Baa Black Sheep but there’s no more in the body of the rhymes. I’m not sure if this is a nursery rhyme or just a poem for kids but it’s a good example

Horsey horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clopThe tail goes swish and the wheels go roundGiddy up, we're homeward bound.

Here’s one from http://www.funny-poems.co.uk/

Of Sound Mind

Plink, plank, plonkSplish, splash, sploshOnomatopoeiaIs a load of tosh

by Patrick Winstanley

Advertisers say "Don't sell the sausage, sell the sizzle" which I think is self explanatory

Kelloggs use Onomatopoeia in their Rice Krispies adverts/marketing

Snap crackle pop

See here for morehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snap,_Crackle_and_Pop

Here's another Example of Onomatopoeia Poetry in advertisingPlop, plop fizz, fizz…

Oh what a relief it is!”

In 1979, Alka-Seltzer used that jingle for relief of indigestion.

It became one of the the most recognized commercials

Children are also exposed to Onomatopoeia in comics per the illustration that heads this piece

When it comes to Onomatopoeia in proper grown up poetry it is out there but not in great abundance. It can and is used in serious poetry but in my view lends itself to childrens or comic verse/song

Nevertheless there are examples and let's start with

Come Down O Maid by Alfred Lord Tennyson

The moan of doves in immemorial elms,And murmuring of innumerable bees.

Or

The Bells by Edgar Allan Poe

Poe lets us hear sounds made by different types of bells. He speaks of "tinkling" sleigh bells; "clanging" fire bells; mellow "chiming" wedding bells; "tolling," "moaning," and "groaning" funeral bells.

Hear the sledges with the bells--Silver bells!What a world of merriment their melody foretells!How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,In the icy air of night!While the stars that oversprinkleAll the heavens, seem to twinkleWith a crystalline delight;Keeping time, time, time,In a sort of Runic rhyme,To the tintinnabulation that so musically wellsFrom the bells, bells, bells, bells,Bells, bells, bells--From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

The whole Tennyson poem is here

http://www.online-literature.com/tennyson/711/

and the Poe poem is here

http://quotations.about.com/cs/poemlyrics/a/The_Bells.htm

By the way onomatopoeia is a hard word to spell so why not, while on the subject of hard words, touch upon mnemonics and here's one

Poe wrote "Bells" and he's in the word, right at the difficult bit

Ono-mato-poe-ia

Let's finish with this one

Ball starts to drop,

then with a mighty plop

it lands in water cold

followed by golfer bold.

With a swash and a swish

he frightens all the fish.

Four-iron thrashing

water splashing,

golfer getting wet,

but he’s not done yet.

Then with a swish and a swash

he frees ball from the wash.

Rabbit's Foot Gives Golfer Str, a poem by William Thomas Dodd from German

http://www.voicesnet.org/allpoemsonecategory.aspx?catid=OP0010

But hey lets go back to the fun stuff. The best onomatopoeia is found in songs with animal sounds and the best of those is this, as mentioned earler

Old MacDonald's Farm

I do hope these Examples of Onomatopoeia Poetry have helped

New Year Text Messages 271208

Messages 1: Ring out the old, ring in the new,Ring, happy bells, across the snow:The year is going, let him go;Ring out the false, ring in the true.Messages 2: A happy New Year! Grant that IMay bring no tear to any eyeWhen this New Year in time shall endLet it be said I've played the friend,Have lived and loved and labored here,And made of it a happy year.Messages 3: Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,With never a thought of sorrow;The old goes out, but the glad young yearComes merrily in tomorrow.

Flippin' Men Verses Darts

Poems wanted

Free to use Verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe by Jon Bratton 2008.

Christmas Text Messages 261208

Message 1: Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too.Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts.Message 2: I am dreaming of white Christmas,with every Christmas card i write,May your days be merry and bright,and May all your Christmases be white.Happy Christmas.Message 3: I love the Christmas-tide, and yet,I notice this, each year I live;I always like the gifts I get,But how I love the gifts I give!

Poetry Examples of Odes

If you came looking for poetry examples of odes I can provide you with plenty but why are so many of you so looking. Is this a school project?

What is an ode? It's a poem you call an ode. Here is an ode I wrote

Ode to Ernest Orn Who Ought to Gain Employment

O Ern Orn, earn

Or here is Gyles Brandreth's famous short ode

Ode to a Goldfish

O

WetPet

Here's another ode by me called

Ode to the Lender

O that you weren’t owedAll repayments made

By any whatsoever mode

Everything repaidAll at once, preferablyYou would be in ecstasy

It would make you feel so goodTo be an ex debteeThere’s no such thing as free lunch,

When you’re in a Credit CrunchSo get what you're owed, as you should

Stephen Fry in his book "The Ode Less Travelled" says if you can speak and read English you can write poetry. But it is no fun if you don't know where to start or have been led to believe that Anything Goes.

Stephen, who has long written poems, and indeed has written long poems, for his own private pleasure, invites you to discover the incomparable delights of metre, rhyme and verse forms.

Whether you want to write a Petrarchan sonnet for your lover's birthday, an epithalamion for your sister's wedding or a villanelle excoriating the government's housing policy, The Ode Less Travelled will give you the tools and the confidence to do so. Brimful of enjoyable exercises, witty insights and simple step-by-step advice, The Ode Less Travelled guides the reader towards mastery and confidence in the Mother of the Arts.

He says of The Ode it was once the most grand, ceremonial and high minded of forms but is now a frequently jokey synonym for 'poem'

Here's some links to famous odes

Ode to a Nightingale by John Keats

Ode on a Grecian Urn by John Keats

Ode to the West Wind by Shelley

France: An Ode by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Ode by William Wordsworth

I do hope I've helped

Christmas Text Messages 251208

Message 1: May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!Message 2: May your world be filled with warmthand good chear this Holy season,and throughout the year.Wish your christmas befilled with peace and love.Merry X-masMessage 3: I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

Christmas Text Messages 241208

Message 1: May the joy and peace of Christmasbe with you all through the Year.Wishing you a season of blessingsfrom heaven above. Merry ChristmasMessage 2: Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.Message 3: May the good times and treasures of the presentbecome the golden memories of tomorrow.Wish you lots of love, joy and happiness.MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Flippin' Men Verses Barbecue

The BarbecueWhen summer evenings are nice and hot,

The thing to do is find a spot,

Where a barbecue can be set up,

So everyone can come and sup,

Relax with a bottle, and sit for a spell,

Which would be really nice and would end the day well,

And enjoy the light hearted, cheerful chatter,

With friends, who to you, truly matter.

Right! The table's set, the flares are lit,

The music should be a real hit

The friends have arrived, the drink if flowing,

Laughter starts, the barbecue's glowing,

The cooking has started, the aroma's divine,

Everyone is getting along fine,

When! The barbecue begins to smoke,

The chef, who's coughing begins to choke,

The chops are burnt the spare ribs too,

Everyone's looking very blue,

Conversation has now come to a halt,

What has happened, who's at fault,

There's thick smoke spiralling into the air,

It's now giving everyone a scare,

People are suddenly beginning to panic,

Good heavens, they are going manic,

What can be done, the food is no more,

The wine has been spilt all over the floor,

Everyone is utterly desolated,

For the poor old barbecue has disintegrated,

On top of that, it has started to rain,

It is really driving the guests insane,

The garden's looking a real shambles,

It really is just one of those gambles,

That the weather will go and change her mind,

But it's left such devastation behind.

The hostess takes a deep breath and swallows her pride,

Waves everyone goodbye, takes it all in her stride,

Clears up all the mess, and calls it a day,

But will book another date and just hope and pray,

That the weather forecast might treat them well, so

With friends once again, they can dine alfresco

1943 © Ernestine Northover

Free to use Verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe

by Jon Bratton 2008.

Christmas Text Messages 231208

Message 1: Somehow, not only for Christmas,But all the long year through,The joy that you give to others,Is the joy that comes back to you.And the more you spend in blessing,The poor and lonely and sad,The more of your heart’s possessing,Returns to you glad.Message 2: The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.Message 3: Jingle bellsJingle bellswhat fun it is towish our friendsa very happy merry christmas.

50th Birthday Poems Jokes

Welcome to 50th birthday poems jokes. This first one is for a man

You used to be insatiable

You were always there on cue

Now the expression "all nighter" means

Not getting up for the loo

As for the fact you're thinning

That's hardly fair

You're not folically challenged

You've just outgrown your hair

Lots of folk have 40 winks

That's a natural response

You do that and read the paper

While watching telly, all at once

So it's OK for you to slow down

You're getting older, after all

It's time for you to invest in a pipe

Some slippers and a shawl

The clues that you're getting old

Are there (Bill) it's true

Your belt won't buckle any more

But your knees most certainly do

You've entered your 60th decade

But you look good all the same

Who cares if your hair is thin and grey

And you'll suit a Zimmer frame

We've been together since we were young

We're now getting old, and how

The fire is still within us

We just call it heartburn now

Now you've reached this old old age

Don't start to dye your hair

Don't think of having face lifts

And don't change the clothes you wear

Don't modify your language

Don't rebel and cause outrage

Decide to do the decent thing

Just lie about your age

Anyway you're not at all like a 50 year old

And I mean what I say

Mind you, being a (Jim Reeves) fan

Is a dead giveaway

Enough of all these insults

I do hope you realise

How highly you’re respected

How kind you are, and wise

God bless you on your birthday

Let the celebrations start

Enjoy life’s oh so precious gifts

And remain young at heart.

For age is just a state of mind

And life can be such funA

nd you still know how to party

As much as anyone

So let's make this a memorable occasion

In every single way

And I'll be there to help you

Ensure it's a wonderful day

The love of friends and family

Will be with you today

So enjoy the many wishes

Which are bound to come your way

Let your 50th Birthday

Be the best one of your life

...so far..

This comes with love from (Name)

Your best friend and wife

Jon Bratton c 2006

50th Birthday Poems Jokes continues with this one by

Pam Ayres

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,

When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,

When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,

Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,

From the men on the site to the men in the suits,

Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,

Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,

When they're less in the air and more near the floor,

When people see less of them rather than more,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Continuing 50th Birthday Poems Jokes this one by me is about a woman at 50

A woman has a face lift for her birthday.She spends $5,000 and feels pretty grand.On her way home she stops to buy a paper.And asks the man at the news stand,

"How old do you think I am ?"About 32, was the reply."Actually I’m 50," the woman saysWith a happy glint in her eye

At McDonalds she asks the same of the counter girl“Well“, she says “You certainly look great and niftyI guess you’re about 30."The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 50"While waiting for the bus home,She’s feeling good, full of gleeShe asks an old man the same question.He replies, "I'm 78 and can hardly see

Although, when I was young I could do it by touchBut I’d need to feel in your braAnd elsewhere, perhaps.To tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty streetCuriosity filled the woman’s headAnd finally she says,"What the hell, go ahead."

He cups both of her bosomsHe clearly likes what’s he’s foundHe slips both hands down her pantiesAnd has a good feel around.

After a couple of minutes of thisAnd before he went too farShe says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"He says, "50 is what you are."

British version"That’s amazing, says the woman, stunnedYou must tell me how you knew ?"The man replies, "At McDonalds earlierI was right behind you in the queue”

North American versionThat’s amazing, says the woman, stunnedTell me how you can so accurately divine ?"The man replies, "At McDonalds earlierI was right behind you in the line"

Jon Bratton 2008

Here's a few of the better 50th birthday one liner jokes

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn

When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands.

More 50th Birthday Poems Jokes

That link takes you to 60th birthday one liners but, being about getting older, it is just as relevent to 50 year olds

This 50th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use50th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 40th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

English Romantic Poetry

Have you, while reading a well polished piece of published writing, ever wondered what the first draft was like?I often do.

Take William Wordsworth’s host of golden daffodils thing; you know instinctively that he wouldn’t have said ‘host’ or ‘golden’ in his first draft. And you don’t really believe his first instinct was to be as lonely as a cloud. Of course not. He lived in the Lake District. Clouds there are anything but lonely most of the time. Most of the time they are accompanied by a host of mates, most of whom are rain bearing most of the time.I’ve been to his cottage many times, since I live only 60 miles away and I adore the Lake District. ( Many of you reading this will be from California, Mumbai, Sydney or Manchester and you should check out the Lake District on Google Maps/ Satelite)

Actually I have in my possession his original drafts of that poem and it started thusly

(This is a World first and will rock the establishment)

(Shake the establishment…rock… sounds like they’d be pleased)

In the original draft of this piece I spilled the beans but, in this the second draft I have removed it because the first draft was utter rubbish, mine and his, and I don’t want to dis the Cumbrian Bard. I am prepared to quote his fifth draft when he‘d settled on the concept of a lonely cloud but was still favouring the word ‘crowd‘ over ‘host‘.

I wandered lonely as a cloud

I’m a bit of an anorak

All at once I saw a crowd

So I hid the daffs behind my back

Anyway, to finish, here's another's view found here

http://limerickdb.com/

There once was a poet named Will

Who tramped his way over a hill

And was speechless for hours

Over some stupid flowers

This was years before TV, but still.

Christmas Text Messages 221208

Message 1: A Christmas gambol oft could cheerThe poor man's heart through half the year.Message 2: Faith makes all things possible,Hope makes all things work,Love makes all things beautiful,May you have all the three for this Christmas.MERRY CHRISTMAS!Message 3: Christmas hath a darkness;Brighter than the blazing noon;Christmas hath a chillnessWarmer than the heat of June,Christmas hath a beautyLovelier than the world can show:For Christmas bringeth Jesus,Brought for us so low

Christmas Text Messages 211208

Message 1: Joy resounds in the hearts of thosewho believe in the miracle of Christmas!Wishing you all the peace, joy, and loveof the season! Season’s Greetings!Message 2: Heap on the wood!The wind is chill;But let it whistle as it will,We'll keep our Christmas merry still.Message 3: Bells are ringingthe wishes of christmas daythe flying snowflakessend my most sincere blessingsto you merry christmas.

Christmas Text Messages 201208

Message 1: Love came down at Christmas;Love all lovely, love divine;Love was born at Christmas,Stars and angels gave the sign.Message 2: Christmas is not a time nor a season,but a state of mind.To cherish peace and goodwill,to be plenteous in mercy,is to have the real spirit of Christmas.Message 3: I heard the bells on Christmas DayTheir old familiar carols play,And wild and sweet the words repeatOf peace on Earth, good will to men!

Christmas Comedy Poems

Christmas Comedy PoemsSanta has to visit 378 million kids

In 108 million homes, it’s reckonedBecause of the Earth’s rotation he’s got 31 hoursThat’s 967.7 visits per second.

That’s 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh,Fill the stockings, eat a snack

Climb up the chimneyClean off the black and refill the sack

His total trip is 75.5 million miles,

That’s 650 miles per second, to fly

In a sleigh carrying 500 thousand tons,Plus one very fat guy

He needs 360,000 reindeersPayload now 600,000 tons, let’s supposeGenerating 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second

No wonder Rudolf has a red nose

With acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.Santa is pinned to the back of the sleighBy 4.3 million pounds of force,

Christmas Eve, for him, is one tough day

Hope he is good to you

And all the best for 2009

Now if you’ve been sent here from my other website on the pretext that you’ll find great Christmas verses/poems for parents, friends, children, Christians, your pastor, your lover, your spouse and your boss then this is your lucky day for this is the very poem I’ve sent to my Mum (Mom) Arthur, my friend, my two kids, my Christian cousin, my pasta ( I don’t have a pastor but I’m particularly fond of a pepperoni pasta, which at this time of year I like to be deep and crisp and even), my lover, my spouse and my boss (those last three were just one person). Without further more, here’s the poem you have come, in droves, to see and I defy you not to copy and paste it and send it to the group of your acquaintances I have just over-spammed

What does a reindeer hang on his Christmas tree?

Horn-aments of courseBut not his horns, coz without his hornsHe’d be a horseWhere would a reindeer go if it lost its tail?

To a re-tail shop, it’s true

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?

Anything… coz he can’t hear you!How do you get into Rudolf's house?

You ring the deer-bell!Who would get a gift from Santelope?

A well behaved gazelleWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve !What do you call a letter sent up the chimney ?

Black mail, I believeWho delivers cat's Christmas presents ?

Well that’s Santa Paws !

And Dumbo’s Christmas presents?

That’s Elephanta Claus !What do snowboys wear on their heads ?

Ice caps, but just until they’re olderWhen the snowboy offended his snowgirlfriend

She gave him the cold shoulder !What do you call an Eskimo cow ?

I’d say an Eskimoo !

How do snowmen travel about?

By icicle, that’s hooYou’re probably thinking that to make up this intellectual stuff

Expensive poetry lessons were boughtWell you’d be wrong, so there

I am completely elf taught

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZThat’s my Christmas message, can you tell?

You like it? You get it? Well??

There’s no L,

Noel,

I need a glass of HIJKLMNO

H to OH2OEnough alreadyI really need to go

But hey have a really Merry ChristmasBut take it steady on the pisteOr you’ll be sending messages to your friendsAs ridiculous as thisteEnjoy and remember a dog is not just for ChristmasThere’ll be loads left overFor Boxing Day and to make soup with the carcassBy the way, his name was RoverCatch the Christmas spiritChristmas beer, port, Champers, Baileys and, if you must, mulled wineAnd all the very bestFor two-00-nine

Here's some

More Christmas Comedy Poems

but first

Pimp My Sleigh

and nowIf Santa was....

If Santa was a (surname)Cockneyan OzzieCalifornianLiverpudlianfrom Anytownetc

If Santa was a (New Yorker)He'd be a builder on the sideBecause chimneys are very narrowAnd Santa's very wideOvernight, there would appearA big hole in your roofAnd you'd know that Santa did itBut you wouldn't have the proofIn January, S. Claus Roofing ContractorsWould take your remaining moneyWhile you saved up for the arrivalOf the (New York) Easter Bunny___

If Santa was a (Durham lad)There'd be money to be madeGetting a Christmas singleIn the hit paradeWith a waistline just like Meatloaf'sAnd a beard like ZZ Top'sHe'd have the perfect imageTo make Top of the PopsAnd you'd have to get his recordCos' if it wasn't on your listYou'd find on Christmas morningYou'd been accidently missed__

If Santa was (as shrewd as you)He'd take a royalty shareOf the billions of Santa cardsPublished every yearHe'd be bigger than Walt DisneyAnd Spielberg put togetherHe'd move to a tax havenAnd enjoy the better weatherAnd if you expected him to visit youYou'd have to save up all the SummerHouse calls are expensiveHave you ever called a plumber?_____

If Santa was a (Techie)He'd suss out there's no wayTo visit 100 million homesIn a reindeer powered sleighHe'd use the latest technologyTo get his deliveries doneIn time to have a pint or twoAnd a bit of Christmas funThe reindeers would be his pit stop crewHe'd drive a BenettonAnd all Summer long he'd make extra doshWinning Formula One__

If Santa was a (Chav)He'd join the dole queueBecause apart from Christmas deliveriesHe's got nothing else to doBut he wouldn't put his feet upAnd watch daytime TVHe'd find himself an "earner"Strictly cash - no VATAs he's got a reindeer farmHe'd probably be foundOn a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgersOutside the football ground

Do not read this last one if you're easily offended

Christmas Comedy Poem which is rudy, dirty, naughty but not veryA most distinguished ladyWalks into a tattoo parlour, and sits down.The owner is amazed to see such a womanIn his seedy shop, in this seedy townImmediately he goes over to the womanTo find out why.To his shock, (and utter delight), she lifts up her dress,And points to her right inner thigh..Very high up.... "Right here," she says"I want a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving' See?”Then she points to her left inner thigh“Here I want a decorated Christmas tree,And I want the words 'Christmas Day'“.The tattoo artist, still staring at the woman’s thighSaid "Lady it's none of my business,But I just gotta ask why?”"Well," replies the lady "I’m sick of hearing my husband sayThere’s never anything good to eatBetween Thanksgiving and Christmas Day"Jon Bratton copyright two-00-eight

Click on the comments to see Mariah's contribution to Christmas comedy poems about mad Christmas pressie buying entitled T'was the Night Before Black Friday

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Welcome to another poem in the short funny rhyming poems seriesPrincess Celt

Once, a king’s daughter.Had a problem to solveWhatever Princess Celt touchedWould simply dissolve.No matter what; metal, wood, stone,Anything she touched would diffuse.The king was desperate to help.He needed a ruseSaid the best of magiciansWho found the cure, by and by“She should touch just one thingThat doesn’t liquefy”So the king held a competition ,The prize was his treasureThe winner would marry CeltAnd be rich beyond measureThe first suitor had a swordWhich he brandished aloftShe just touched it quite lightlyIt went squidgy and softThe second brought diamonds.What’s harder than they?She just cupped them lightlyAnd they melted awayThe third said "Put your hand in my pocketFeel there, dear CeltShe felt something hardBut it didn’t meltHe married the PrincessHe had something to sate herWhat he had in his pants?I’ll tell you that laterwhen I return to the Princess Celt poem in the Short Funny Rhyming Poems seriesFor now, I want to talk more about the American foodstuff giant Mars Inc and their, once, strange, for no apparent reason, habit of giving different brand names to the same product depending on where it was being sold. Remember the Snickers/Marathon silliness

This story starts with Smarties, a product made by the British company Rowntrees, now part of Nestles

Forrest Mars Sr, the son of the founder of Mars Inc, saw soldiers during the Spanish Civil War, eating SmartiesAlong with R. Bruce Murrie who had a 20% stake, Mars purchased the rights. They had to introduce them to the US market with a different name because there was already a candy product sold in the States under the name of Smarties.To identify their new brand, they combined the initials of their last names: M & M.M&M's were first sold in the United States in 1941. By World War II, which didn’t start in the US until 1943, American soldiers were given the candy by the United States Army because they were a convenient snack that travelled well in any climate; Shortly after this it was marketed to the public.M&M's soon became a hit. Chocolate versions weren’t introduced into the UK then because Smarties had the market sown up but peanut M&Ms were introduced, probably in the 1950s. Bizarrely they were called Treets (also in France, Germany, Switzerland, The Netherlands ) until 1990 when they were sensibly re-branded as M&Ms.A frequent argument/debate when World Citizens “meet” on the web is what was (is) the name of the sweet (candy)

that melts, not in the hands, but…“melts in the mouth”When touched by warm handsIt simply won’t meltIt was, of course,

M&MsYoung Princess Celt,

feltwhich is a true story, by the way.Would I lie?

Jon Bratton 2008

(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

Short funny rhyming poemsYet another funny rhyming poemshort comedy rhymevery short funny poems

More Short Funny Rhyming Poems

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Christmas Text Messages 191208

Message 1: From Home to home,and heart to heart,from one place to another.The warmth and joy of Christmas,brings us closer to each other.Message 2: Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.Message 3: A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;It makes no noise at all,But softly gives itself away;While quite unselfish,it grows small.

Christmas Text Messages 181208

Message 1: Christmas is a special time of year to remember those who are close to our hearts!May your days be bright, and your heart be light!May this glorious day of our Savior's birthresound with hope and peace on earth!Merry Christmas!Message 2: A silent night, a star above, a blessed gift of hope and love.A blessed Christmas to you!Message 3: Wish I could spend the Christmas Hols with you. I am missing you so much. May you have the best of Christmas. I will come sooner and we will have a blast.

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Cop with Speed Gun

Pic from http://connexionpastor.typepad.com/connexion_god_community_a/2007/08/index.html

Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Driving over the Golden Gate BridgeWas fisherman Bob

Fishing was his hobbyDoctoring was his job

He’d had a good day’s fishingA good haul he’d managed to landAfter filleting all the fish, he was speeding...On the bridge was a cop, speed gun in hand,

“67 mph in a 50 zone” said the copThen he took a closer look at Bob,

Seeing his stained fishing attire, the cop said,

"You don't look like you’ve got a job!

I've never seen anyone so scruffy”Bob answered, "I’ve a good, well-paying job!"

"A bum like you? What do you do”

"I stretch rectums!" said Bob.

"What you say, Boy?" asked the patrolman.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, " I start with a couple of fingers,

Then a couple more, then a whole hand, and then two.

I keep on stretching

Until it's a full six feet wide.""What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?""Give him a speed gun !" Bob replied

Jon Bratton 2008

(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

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Christmas Text Messages 171208

Message 1: I wish you Lovely X-masI wish you Favorable ”I wish you Enjoyable ”You shall not Lack in this X-masThy Lord shall provide to you!Merry Christmas!Message 2: May the Christ shower His choicest blessings on you and may you lead a very happy life.Merry Christmas to You!Message 3: May this Christmas be so special that you never ever feel lonely again and be surrounded by loved ones throughout!

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Dopes on a Rope

Eleven women were hanging on a rope of vine

But it was only strong enough for ten

It wasn’t a case of if the vine breaksIt was just a matter of when

One of the women was a brunette

All the others had blonde hair

The brunette volunteered to vacate the vine

All the blondes said a prayer

The brunette made a touching speech

Then fell to the ground

The blondes were stunned into silence

No one made a sound

Then, acting as one

After a contemplative pause

The blondes broke out

Into tumultuous applause

You might think, stupidlyThey let go of the vineBut because the drop was less than a footAll of them were fine

Jon Bratton 2008

(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

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Christmas Text Messages 161208

Message 1: May the grace of Our Mighty Father be with you all during this eve of Christmas. Have a blessed Christmas and a happy New Year. God Loves You!Message 2: In this Christmas,In the daytime if sun shine so shall your expectations come true,At night when moon comes out so shall you receive blesses,then if rain fall so shall it going to carry all your problem away from you!Message 3: I wish everybody a Merry Christmas! X-mas is the good time to link yourself with Christ. Bow your head up the mountain and you will feel the salvation of Christ. May the Holy Spirit be with you all the time.

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Pic from www.ferniecastle.demon.co.uk/rollsroyce.jpg

Welcome to my blog which today brings you another in the series Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Oi Vey

Man 1 brags, "My son is so successful as a lawyerHe's bought a mansion of his partner’s choice"The second man says, "My son’s a successful doctorAnd bought his friend a jet and a gold Rolls Royce"

The third man says, "Oi vey, my son’s gayHe’s not successful career-wise, and yetHe lives with his friend in a mansionAnd owns a gold Rolls Royce and jet”

Jon Bratton 2008

(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

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Wedding Poem

Wedding Poem

I attended a wedding in Cyprus in May of this year and on the morning of the weddding, sat by the Hotel pool, I penned this poem about the bride and groom to be read out at the reception held in a restaraunt in the harbour of Ayia Napa

Congratulations Jack and AlisonOn your marriage, just a few hours oldWeren't the children well behaved?Even Alan was as good as gold

It's 10 years since they metAnd today, finally, he's managed to trap herStarting out at the Ship, they've ended in the harbourHere in Ayia Napa

Six years they were a-courting'Would she ever leave home?' Alan would fretYou see she worked days and he worked nightsSo they hardly ever met

Alan dropped hints to AlisonYour own love nest would be niceAnd eventually they moved to Brentwood Street96, to be precise

And there they started begattingAnd all that luvvy dovey stuffThey must have been good coz in no time at allAlison was up the duff

Along came young David and JamesTo make their family completeOr is it? Who knows what'll happenThe honeymoon starts the neet!

Well, that's the potted historySo all that remains to sayIs thanks a lot Jack and AlisonFor a really smashin' day

We all agree the bride is beautifulLike a queen from a golden palaceShe walked down the aisle Miss WilliamsAnd back up it Mrs Allis

And if we didn't thank the bridesmaidsWe really would failSophie and Hannah you're beautifulLike Princesses from a fairy tale

We should thank best man GaryAnd Alan, the bride giver awayAnd the mothers Carole and MargaretThanks for all you've done today

And thanks too to Jack the groomLooking handsome as can beAnd not forgetting the fat bloke reading the poemSo that's a thanks a lot to me

And finally...let's raise our glassesTo toast the stars of todayHave a very long and happy lifeMr and Mrs A

Jon Bratton 2008

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Leaving Poem

This is a continuation of the leaving poem started the day before yesterday. In this section Martin and Gill, a married couple are discussed

Anyway, who are these five peopleWho will pretty soon be goneIt's time for us to name themAnd insult them one by one

Let's start with Gill, a talented actressA girl of many partsShe can play a really marvelous drunkWho hiccups, burps and....falls over

Gill's been in so many plays'Absent Friends' was a nice pieceAh yes Dianna, she only wanted one affair

The entire Canadian Mounted Police

She was in Shakespeare's LadiesAnd in 'What the Butler Saw'And two parts in the Comedy HourAnd she still came back for more

Pic from http://www.chesterlestreettheatregroup.com/

And in 'Move Over Mrs Markham'

She really can't go wrong

All tweedy drawers and sensible shoes

It'll be her great swan song

That's where she has a "man that does"

Which is somewhat ironic

Cos Martin would like to, but usually can't

After a night on sid and tonic

Are you saying his connubial duties

He is failing to fulfill

I'm just saying-once he's said yes to a pint

He always says no to a Gill

But Martin really loves his wife

Then he should really love her first

It's not his fault, it's just he has

A most prodigious thirst

But he must be a man that does

Every now and then

Oh of course....three times

Charis, Luke and Jen

No I'm not having it

(Oh you as well, huh?)

We can't treat a friend this way

OK, Clever Clogs

You think of something nice to say

Err...um..We're really glad there's a few more months

Before he finally retires

And he's going to be a tremendous loss

To the local sid suppliers

He's been a great help to them

I must say, quite ingeniously

Now look, Martin doesn't drink that much

What? He takes it intravenously?

Martin's made a marvelous contribution

To this town's theatre life

Oh you mean while he was boozing at the darts

He sent along his wife

No, I mean he's contributed a great deal

To the theatres of this town

Oh yes, I remember his two cultured acts of drama

Balox meets Charlie Brown

I really think you've said enough

You're all the same, you men

You never mentioned Martin's producing skills

I did, Charis, Luke and Jen

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Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Short Funny Rhyming Poems

Welcome to my blog which today has more Short Funny Rhyming Poems

This is a well sought after category and yesterday Gyles Brandreth was in Dictionary Corner on Carol Vorderman's last Countdown programme. He reminded us all of a poem he recited some 25 years earlier on a Countdown final.

Pic from earlcapps.blogspot.com

It is an Ode to a Goldfish and goes like this

O

Wet

Pet

Now as short funny rhyming poems go, that's hard to beat. Gyles B. is an incredibly talented wordsmith and I'm pretty sure I couldn't beat him but it didn't stop me trying. I quickly realised that, like his, the title is the longest part of the poem. This poem is shorter than his and answers the question What was Charles Dickens Pen Name?

Boz

Was

My second effort is entitled The Bee

Does he buzz?

Yes, he does

Here's one I came across which could be a forthright travel writer's appraisal

Sunni, yet Shiite

(and it doesn't rhyme)

Here's a single word poem and you might be entitled to say that it must also therefore be non rhyming. Not so, it rhymes with the title

A Nice Sir Prize

Arise!

To nearly conclude this section, here's one I read by someone I know not and it's about how long fleas have been associated with mankind

Adam

Had 'em

Muhammed Ali was happy in his own skin when he wrote

Me

Wheee!

Ali

He was still known as Cassius Clay when he wrote it. I added the 'Ali'

I would welcome any other efforts and they could be a bit longer.

And on that point, before leaving the subject of short funny rhyming poems, Ogden Nash deserves a mention

Here's some of his slightly longer short funny rhyming poems

Candy is dandy

But liquor is quicker

Celery, raw

Develops the jaw,

But celery, stewed,

Is more quietly chewed.

Ode to Baby

A bit of talcumIs always walcum.

Should you want to see more of Ogdens work here's a link

Short Funny Rhyming Poems by Ogden Nash

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Leaving Poem

Leaving Poem for Expat Friends Involved in Am Dram Theatre Group Leaving the Country

Five people were leaving the theater group and this poem was read out in the Blue Room, following the performance of a skit. It was another double act, this time with a lady. I read the lines in bold

This is just a little ditty

A ma-salama poem

To say goodbye to our dear friends

As they make their way back home

Yes folks, you've had the play

It's now sincerity time

To pay tribute to our departing members

And insult them all in rhyme

I've heard about your ditties

I'm not sure I'm very keen

I just take poetic license

You take liberties, you mean

If you're going to insult my friends

I don't want any part

Oh Mary, don't make a fuss

I'll behave, cross my heart

OK, but no derogatory remarksDid I not promise just nowNo innuendoes or calling people names

Get on, yer silly cow

Alright, it's goodbye to two fine actorsWhich is a terrible pity

It's goodbye to a fine producer

And two members of committee

We say goodbye to just one motherAnd three men-the total's nineWe bid adieu to a man of spiritAnd one who deals in wine

Ma-salama to two married couples

And one who's happy....and freeIf we count the departing back stage folkThe number comes to three

So far, that's seventeen people

That's really more than plentyThrow in two ladies and a lighting manAnd the number comes to twenty

There's two who dabble in computersThere's one in avionicsThere's four who like to tipple wineAnd one on sid and tonics

There's a sewing singing teacher

Who's big in the arts... arseThere's a devoted snooker playerWho like playing darts... farce

There's one with a London accentThere's four who speak quite poshThere's two who like a game of bridgeAnd one who's fond of squash

There's one who's very nauticalAnd at least one who's very naughtyThat's an awful lot of peopleThe number now is forty

Photo from www.bbc.co.uk

Forty people leaving?

That's enough to fill a bus

But it's not the first time that we've faced

A mass exodus

Anyway, I've found some double accounting

The number's only five

And though they're indispensable

ORP will survive

ORP used to be mainly American

Then the British made a coop (coup)

Excuse me, that should be coo, it's French. It's a silent 'P'A silent 'P' huh?

OK! ORP used to be American

Then the British made a coo

And now the Brits are leaving

Five in one fell swoo

So what'll become of the membership

Who will it next comprise

If it goes the way of the Country

Bangladeshis and Thais

There's another 40 verses of this so I'll continue it tomorrow

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History of Frosted Flakes

You’ve no doubt been waiting with bated breath to learn of the history of frosted flakes, haven’t you? I used to think you were waiting with baited breath and it made no sense at all to me but I’ve just looked it up. Now I’m worried because I now know you’re waiting with abated breath and I wouldn’t want you to wait without breathing given that there’s a very good chance I’ll get side tracked.

Mars, Heinz and Kellogg seem such British institutions that Brits have been known to brag of them to Yanks without realising that Frankin Mars, Henry Heinz and William Kellogg were Americans and started their global empires in the U.S, although their family names originate in Europe, Heinz from Germany, Mars possibly from Britain (from Marsh) but more likely French and Kellogg from Chelioc, or Kulliag (Cornish British), a cock, coileach, in Gaelic, and ceiliog, in Welsh, the C having the sound of K. Do you think that’s why the modern icon for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes is a cockerel, or is it cos a cock is prominent in a morning or a bit of both?

Kellogg's was founded as the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company in 1906 by Will Keith Kellogg as a spin off of his work with his brother Dr John Harvey Kellogg at the Battle Creek Sanitarium. The company produced and marketed the highly successful Kellogg's Toasted Corn Flakes and was renamed the Kellogg Company in 1922. Frosted Flakes, as they are known in North America (but Frosties virtually everywhere else) is a cereal similar to Corn Flakes, but coated with frosted sugar. Sugar Frosted Flakes were introduced in 1952 but the word "sugar" was dropped in the mid-1970‘s. Since inception Tony the Tiger has been the mascot as part of an expensive long term marketing campaign and if it weren’t for the huge packaging, distribution and marketing costs Frosties would only cost a few cents/pence, cheap at half the price

Now most of you are probably thinking that that expression would make a lot more sense if it was cheap at twice the price and it would, but it would be a dull and pointless expression. Cheap, at half the price started as a cheeky barrow boy market trader claim and the emphasis was on cheap. I’ve been a market trader and if you shout cheap you’ve got their attention and you can follow it with anything. “Cheap, but completely worthless tat you wouldn’t want to give house room to” if delivered cheekily, would probably work as an effective sales pitch.

What I intended to bring you was a poem about solving a jigsaw puzzle so here goes

A beautiful blonde called her boyfriend and said,

"I have the hardest jigsaw you'll see

I just can't get it started,

Please come and help me".

Her boyfriend sighed and said

"What's it supposed to be ?"

"Well, according to the box picture,

It's a tiger" said she

She let him in, and showed him the puzzle

He studied the pieces, then said "I fear

We'll never make a tiger

From all these pieces, dear

.So why don't you put your feet up

Take off your shoes and maybe your socks

And relax, while I put all the pieces

Back in the Frosties box"

Jon Bratton 2007

(based on a joke by Author Unknown)

Well, we all know they’re Grrreat

but absolllutely hopppeless as a jigsaw puzzle

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