Speech Disfluency uh um

I'm always searching keywords, because Search Engine Optimisation is important to my wallet.. not just the search terms themselves but how well they are catered for by the websites out there. Getting to the top of the search engines is much easier when there is not much competition.It's hard to believe that "Speech Disfluency uh um" would be a popular search term, (it's 20 times more popular than, for example, "speech disorders") not least because the word 'disfluency' doesn't appear to exist, it's not in any dictionary I have read, hard copy or online.

What I've learnt about this popular search topic is this

1 Michael Erard knows a lot about speech disfluency uh um

Indeed he has written a book called "Um"http://umthebook.com/

2 Uh is American for the British Er

3 A New Yorker Eric Mingus has a CD out called Um...Er...Uh

4 Wikipedia has an article on the subject herehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filled_pause

5 These are related search terms according to Google- speech therapy, stammering, stutter, cluttering (also called tachyphemia), stuttering children, studdering, toddler studdering, speech therapists, speech processing, study speech therapy

6http://ezinearticles.com/?Cluttering,-Stuttering,-Stammering-And-Studdering&id=413184 explains cluttering and studdering, both of which I had never heard of

7http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp0hU1THjuc

is a video of Obama, President Elect stuttering, studdering, stammering and cluttering for seven minutes

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8GaU-ExYm30&NR=1 is another. There's lots out there

8

Here's another articlehttp://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/06/the_odd_body_language_fillers/

Well, I'm going to publish this now and I'll come back in a few weeks to report back where I come on Google. I'm bound to be high because mine is the only website that has the whole search term as a URL vizhttp://poetry-verses.blogspot.com/2008/11/speech-disfluency-uh-um.html

BTW this topic did not arise as obscurely as it seems. The poem I started this morning is a rhyming leaving party speech and I was researching leaving speech when I stumbled studderingly upon speech disfluency

Leaving Poem

Anyway, he decided to join a choirHe'd heard singers could be funAnd besides, if he could get a SingerHe'd get more sewing done.(..of wild oats)

This is one of a number of saying goodbye/leaving job poems I wrote and read out at leaving parties for British and American expats, leaving after a number of years working in a Middle Eastern country. In this particular one, for a horticulturist and his wife I had a second person reading the insulting lines...shown in bold

Horticulturist grows and grows

This is just a little dittyA ma-salama poemTo say goodye to our dear friendsAs they make their way back home

Yes folks here we go againIt's goodbye ditty timeWe usually do this kind of thingWith insults all in rhyme

But these two people are too niceFor anything like thatSo I'm striking out this next lineDick Salisbury's getting fat?

Well, come on, let's face itHe's not exactly underweight

He's just maximising growth potentialIt's his job to propagate

Well, I must say he's good at itThe evidence clearly showsHe must be eating bone mealHe just grows,,,and grows...and grows

He's like one of his tomatoesFed on growing stuffDick, it's time to ease off a bitYou've grown quite big enough

Now look we've discussed thisYou're just being rudeI'm just trying to make the pointThat Dick is fond of food

So what if Dick's a little..podgey? fuller figuredWho wants him slim and slick?

Exactly, let's ask the ladiesWho likes a big fat Dick?

There's 68 more verses to come so I'll leave it there for today but stay tuned for the more to come...who was Wanda?

Obama Funny Jokes 112908

1. Question: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?Answer: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.2. Question: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?Answer: Deductible.3. Question: What's the difference between Pinocchio and Barack Obama?Answer: Obama's nose doesn't grow when he lies.

Death Remembrance Poems

Photo from http://www.desbrady.co.uk/

Daniel Brown

Death remembrance poems are commonly searched for but not well provided so I've dug out these sad words I wrote about an orphan's remembrance of an old man who took an interest in him and influenced him to the goodDaniel Brown was a dear old manSome would say just an 'also ran'He wore a dirty mac and an old flat capAnd I never knew him take a bathHe was a special friend of mineI was young - he was out of timeI was drifting off the railsHe put me back in line

Nearly blind, but he could seeThat an orphan boy like meNeeds a hand, not life that's plannedBy societyMr Dan was just in timeTo save me from a life of crimePerhaps, it's fate but now I'm straightAny credit's his not mine

Middle Eight

Life had scribbled on his faceLife had worn his body downNot a pretty sight to seeBut Daniel Brown meant all the world to me

I can see his wrinkled browWhen I left, I regret it nowAll he needed desperatelyWas some companyHe wasn't much the world would sayHe was all alone when he passed awayNo one noticed, no one criedDaniel Brown, why did you have to die?

Jon Bratton copyright 1975

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Obama Funny Jokes 112808

1. Question: What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor?Answer: The check.2. Question: Why did Barack Obama register to run for office as a Democrat?Answer: The Communist Party doesn’t have enough voters.3. Question: Why does Barack want higher taxes?Answer: Cause he won’t be the one paying them.

My Old Battered Suitcase

Photo borrowed, without so much as a 'by your leave', from Sam Houston's blog http://bookchase.blogspot.com/2007_07_01_archive.html It's about books, not travel and I couldn't fail to not recommend it less. I'm hoping I just recommended it, for I do

Just follow this link to the fun. is a link I found on that blog

Last night I hit townNot a gentle sightJust then I saw you, in the fading lightAnd now it seems I've always been here holding youAnd I wonder if this is the real one?I wonder if this is the big time ?I wonder if I can break with the past ?And this timeCan I make it last ?

No time in one placeTo watch it declineNo time with one face to watch it grow linesAnd now I think I'll stick around to watch them grow oldAnd I wonder if this is the real one ?I wonder if this is the big time ?I wonder if I can break with the past ?And this timeCan I make it last ?

Middle Eight

The same old dilemmaShould I go, should I stay ?I don't know just what it isThat keeps driving me awayPerhaps I am searchingFor what I don't knowIs this panic now ending ?Or just running slow ?

This town, why this town ?Why don't I pass through ?But this town is different, the difference is youWill my old battered suitcase take five or take root ?And I wonder if this is the real one ?I wonder if this is the big time ?I wonder if I can break with the past ?And this timeCan I make it last ?

Jon Bratton copyright 1976

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Obama Funny Jokes 112708

1. Question: Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton?Answer: She the one with the cojones.2. Question: Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy?Answer: It will only have a left wing.3. Question: What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?Answer: Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

Love Quotes 112608

1. The girl in the photo with the fairy dress on, But now its just a memory, That child is long gone.2. He's not the best looking, he's not the smartest guy in the world, he can be a jerk sometimes, but for some reason.I don't care.He's different.I love him.3. It's funny how one day, he can be the one person I hate the most.Then the next day, I would love him so much, I wouldnt ever think of letting him go.

British Six Million Dollar Man

The title role of The Six Million Dollar Man was Steve Austin played by Lee Majors and was on TV from about 1974 for a good few years.I'm going back over 30 years to 1977, the year of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, when, I recall, I was playing golf in a 4 ball (with neighbours I had met at our street party) and, between shots, I was composing, in my head, the following piece about Britain's answer to Steve Austin.

When I'm fully wound, I can hear the soundOf a pin make a crater in the sandAnd twenty miles away I can safely sayThere's a sparrow coming down to landMy costume's red, white and blueI'm British through and throughI'm a clockwork SupermanWhen my rocket crashed, they fixed me upNo expense, they said, was sparedI cost £2,000, including spare keyI can jump twenty feet in the airI come with guaranteeAnd it's plain to seeI'm a clockwork Superman

Middle Eight

Bio-clockwork, tick tock, Two Grand ManThat's what I amDoing what I canNo job is too tough for meFor the Queen (God bless her)And the Countryyyy

If I 'm talking slow, you're sure to knowMy clockwork's winding downWind me up but please take careWhere you put the keeeeeeeyBut don't overwindOr you'll findI'm a clockwork.......clockwork.....clockwork.....clockwork.....

clockwork.....

We lost the match and my partner blamed me...he said I wasn't concentrating!

Sad Text Messages 112508

1. It's hard to get past things that you want to forget.But it's even harder to get past the things that you don't wanna forget.2. After all he has done to me i still want him to change,love me,and for us to be together again and this time stay together.3. It's not easy to hold the right love at the wrong time but its harder to let go of the right love because you are holding the wrong love at the right time!

Song Lyrics for your Tune

Technicolor Massacre

In a suburban basement flatA wicked deed (was) performedA sadist left a tom catBeaten and deformedClubbed him half to deathAnd children watched, with delight,Cruel and bitter scenesDelighted at the fightingAnd the horrifying screamsIs this a sign of our timesIs this to be our fateAnd acceptance of such violenceCould we be too late?But it's ending now'That's all folks' the caption readsIt will be over soonAnother technicolor massacreOn a cat and mouse cartoon

Free Song Lyrics for your Tune

Clip Art from http://clipart-for-free.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html

My Phoenix, Bird on High

She rose from the ashes of a broken pastAnd crashed into my lifeShe was strictly 'bed me down with no strings attached'She took me without a fightThen she flew away with her tail of flameAnd I love that girl but I don't know her nameShe disappeared in the night skyMy phoenix, bird on high

Bird on highWhen you reach the skyI wonder what's going through your mindBird on highIf I crawled in your brainI wonder what chaos I'd find

She was immune, she'd been hurt beforeNow she couldn't settle downShe never turned her back on an open doorHer feet rarely touched the groundI wonder girl, will you returnTo share my bed and will I ever learnWhat becomes of you in the night skyMy phoenix, bird on high

Jon Bratton copyright 1973

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Old Durham Town

Durham is a City of contrasts and the folk who live and/or visit the City are so diverse. We had a shop in the heart of the City and I observed the contrast between the hierarchy of the university, cathedral, hospital, county hall, police headquarters, prison etc who live in this magnificent World Heritage City to study, work and pray and the folk who come in to the City from surrounding pit villages to drink, shop and play. Sitting, as it does, equidistant from the rival cities of Newcastle and Sunderland it has an equal mix of black and white and red and white stripes

This piece is about the contrasts I saw

Thinkers, Drinkers, Studiers, Staggerers, Writers, Fighters, Clerics and Clerks

Richmen, Riffraff, Craftsmen, Crackpots, Majors, Miners, Bishops and PawnsCity Peers, Pity Me'ers, Costly Lawyers, Hoi Palloiers, The Well Heeled, The Well Served, Doctors and Drunks

Lecturers, Letcherers, Artists, Artisans, Philosophers, Philistines, Coppers and Screws

County Set, County Staff, MBA's, Sweet FA's, DLI's, OAP's, Mackems and Mags

Broken Heart Love Text Messages 112208

1. The greatest pain that comes with love is loving someone you can't have.2. If your heart is the strongest muscle of the body, why does it break so easily?3. Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.

Short Rhyming Love Poems

Further to my first post http://poetry-verses.blogspot.com/2008/11/love-poem.html when I brought you a short rhyming love poem I thought I'd bring a few more short rhyming love poems because they are often sought but not often provided

I'd like to scuttle your puttle

Spiddle your paddle

Tickle your wickle

And twittle your taddleStroodle your doodle

Cromple your string

Brundle your strundle

And frondle your dingSee, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

*****

Enjoy your birthday, Darling

Indeed, I'll see that you do

This comes with love (and a promise)

From your wife...and best friend too

This is the Happy (Daddy's) (Birthday) Day card

( Lewis ) and ( Jenny ) asked me to send

And I'm to give you something special

But was given no money to spendWhat can I give you that's special

That doesn't cost a sou?

Oh well, as it's your special day

I'll leave it up to youWhatsoever you decide

I can deal with, no fearing

Providing it doesn't involve wet fish

Or bedroom chandeliering

Yet more short rhyming love poems

Take a plump stalk of fair play

Add a head of love when hot

Put in a knob of friendship

And another knob...why not?Sprinkle in some patience

Add generous love to taste

Stir in some affection

Spoon on tolerance, and basteIf there's anger, let it simmer down

Leave out temper,let it be

Now that my lovely naked chef

Is the perfect recipeLets put a bun in the oven

Cast off your oven glove

My taste buds are a-tingling

I drool for you, my loveYou know how to knead my dumplings

And my buns ,and all the rest

Your meat and two veg are to die for

Your spotted dick's the best

Happy Anniversary, Chef

We must have got things right

With you around to cook my goose

I've got a healthy appetite( And I'm quite fond of food as well )

A silly short rhyming love poem

How many ways can I describeThe love I feel for youI thought, while idly watchingA sparrow sipping dewShall I write of passionSo reckless, wild and rawOr should I speak the language of loveMa cherie, Je t'adoreOr shall I wrap a heart aroundOur names carved in a treeAnd do you know, as I was ponderingThe sparrow winked at meThen it whistled, as it skipped awayBehind the lilac shrubThen your Harry rang me upAnd asked me to the pubSo I'll tell you that I love youLike I've done many times before"I love you very very very muchNow open the bloody door"

This the last of the short rhyming love poems...for now

The gift for you,

I pondered thus

Was a ginormous hippopotamus

So you and I could ride

Astride

His hippo hide

While sitting on our bottomus

And, perhaps, Since you've got him,

I Should get one too....

Two ...hippopotami

Or we could just do it..

..like normal peopleli

Adapted by me © 2004 from somewhere

All these poems are copyright of me, Jon Bratton, but you are free to use them for non commercial use

Country Boy

The song lyrics I am publishing have lain in a drawer unread for 35 years and reading them now they do seem dated. When you read something that you wrote that long ago you become a third party to yourself. Anyway, here goes

Walking in the city down a busy streetMy stomach wondering when I'm going to eatI haven't had a shave, I've got dirty clothesThe plackard man says I should "Eat at Joes"I've got nothing to lose if I give it a tryTomorrow he'll be telling me "The End is Nigh"

ChorusCountry Boy-it's lonely in the cityCountry Boy-I don't need your pityIt seems like a lifetime since I came to seekMy fortune in the city....God, it was only last week!

I came across some guys from a downtown sectWho said "go away", well, words to that effectIt wasn't me who threw the empty bottle of wineI tried to tell the cop from Precinct 49You'll be taken from this place the judgeman saidAnd hung by the neck until you're dead

Chorus

The folks back home will be talking nowAbout the boy who wandered from the ploughTo my father in the bar, saying "Now there Tam"While my mother cries into her homemade jamThe footsteps in the yard are such hollow soundsTo this country boy who wandered way out of bounds

Jon Bratton copyright 1973

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Love Text Messages 112108

1. Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.2. We had our good times and I won't ever forget themWe made our bad choices but I won't ever regret themIt's like a life lesson learn from these and move onEven when it's hard it's something that you got to do3. God can heal a broken heart, but you have to give Him all the pieces.

Love Text Messages 112008

1. Remember who you are , take a picture and post it on your wall, Because when you meet someone and change for them.You'll need that picture to rebuild yourself when that someone leaves you... and you feel like no one.2. When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.3. Baby, all I do is tryTo show youThat you're myOne and only guyNo matterWho may come alongOpen your eyesCuz baby, I don't lie.

Daddy

This was the second song lyrics I wrote

Daddy, what was it really likeWhen we lived on EarthI never knew, how could I?It happened before my birthDid they really have riversAnd mountain streams so coolCould children really play outsideWhen they came home from schoolChorus

What made them do it DaddyCause it doesn't seem quite rightThat men with all those marvellous thingsShould argue and fightWhat made them do it DaddyWas it greed or hate or fearThat made them destroy all thatAnd forced us to live up here

Daddy if you were PresidentWhy could you not see senseWhy sacrifice those childrens' livesFor missiles and defenceWhy did you pull the leverAnd scatter all the crowdsAnd cover all God's given Earth

With deadly mushroom clouds

Jon Bratton copyright 1973

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Sad Love Poems 111908

1. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.2. It's so strange how things work. The things you try and hold on to, they're the first to go. And all the things you try and throw away, They stay!3. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Loving Don't Come Free

Here’s the lyrics to a song written in 1973

Loving Don’t Come Free

Under the neon street lights

When the sun’s gone down

Look at the faces of all the people

Walking round the town

One of them is my girl

The girl I left behind

Like a needle in a haystack

I guess I‘ll never find

I looked in all the places

Where we used to go

Drinkin’ heavy at our table

Hoping that she’d show

Feeling kinda lonely

Needed company

Took a walk down to the district

Where the loving don’t come free

Riding on a fast train

That was outward bound

Now there’s nothing going for me

Back in that old town

Where my search has ended

With the face I see

Under street lights in the district

Where the loving don’t come free

Jon Bratton copyright 1973

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Sad Love Poems 111808

1. I'm waiting here for you to realizeNo one will love you the way I do,You say all the words I want to hearBut your actions make me wonderHow many others hear those same words2. Before you were just a dream that I had the kind of dream everyone said I would never wake up to then one night I fell asleep and woke up to a dream come true which was you.3. You make me feel like dancing in the rain oh baby you make me feel like screaming out your name.

Trading

This was penned by me in 1973

Scraped her out of the gutterGroomed and dressed her niceLaunched her as a SuperstarBut who would pay the price?Displayed her in the windowWhere people come to buyAnd the people get a bargainBut the price she pays is highParaded in the marketWeighed upon the scalesShe is worth her weight in goldHave you seen the record sales?Her body is an itemTo be sold just like a whore’sFor 10% and a pound of fleshThey lick their lips for moreMiddle EightTrading her life for anotherOn the market stallsTaken for a ride up highWho’ll save her if she fallsTrading the moon on the back porchFor a penthouse and bright lightsBut who is in her entourageFriends or parasites?But come the final curtainAnd people don’t want moreShe is labelled up as shop soiledIn a discount storeOr dumped back in the gutterAnd left to limp back homeThey are smiling as they scurryBack underneath a stone

And wasn’t I an angry young man? I suppose some of it still rings true today but the “they” nowadays is Simon Cowell who has become mega rich by discovering and promoting talent but is hardly a parasite living under a stone….unless you have a different view?

Jon Bratton copyright 1973You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. Only when the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

Insurance Claim with Humour

I was the Insurance Advisor/ Risk Manager for Newcastle City Council at Christmas 1980 when this claim came in

On Christmas Eve to our dismayThe dust cart knocked our gate awayThe driver said he'd tried to parkBut hit our gate 'cause it was darkHe scattered bricks both near and farAnd blocked the entrance for the carWe really are in quite a stewBecause the wooden post went tooThe driver was a helpful sortAnd said the damage he'd reportShould we have the wall built newAnd send the bill in, Sir, to you?Or will you send some men to usAnd have the wall built without fuss?We hope prompt action you will takeAnd soon our garden wall remake!

As it was a requirement of my job, I naturally sought to wriggle out of it by sending this reply

It's a most unusual incidentThis tale you send to meI know that we're not perfectWe hit the occasional treeA bus, perhaps, a van or twoEven market stallsWe've wrecked the odd 'Keep Left' sign

But rarely garden wallsYou've lost your gate but not your styleI'd like to say "We'll pay"

But to admit liabilityOur Insurers say "No way"

They like to take their time you seeWith this kind of claimIt might not be our fault at allYour wall might be to blameWe have to show this cautionWe get the occasional gemOur lorries get attacked sometimesWhen walls leap out at themNow you might think you've a strong caseBut it may be turned down flatYou thought you had a good strong wallLook what we did to that!

But seriously about your wallIt can't be any funSo if you get your wall rebuiltJustice will be doneI'm writing to our InsurersTo say your wall's a wreckThey might just send a poemBut I hope they send a cheque

Good enough the Insurers sent this response to the claimants

We've got your poetic claimSimilar claims have come our wayAnd happening on Christmas Eve"Now there's a clue" we say

Around the offices up to nowAssurances have comeAll of us left somethingTo warm up Santa's tumThese are the facts, so it's clearRudolph let him downAnd didn't guide as he shouldWhen Santa came to townSo our advice is send your claimTo the likeliest tormentorWe mean the one in LaplandNot the Civic Centre!But hang about, we've had a thoughtIt's pointless to pursueBecause like the dust carts, we insureSanta's reindeer tooIt's obvious we'll have to giveConsideration to this claimSo let's have some particularsTo work out who's to blameWe'd like an estimate to showThe cost of the repairTo enable us to decideIf the charge is fair

The claim was settled promptly

The lesson? Next time you need to make a claim, stay clear of those horrible ambulance chasing shiesters and conduct the claim yourself....in rhyme!!

Sad Text Messages 111708

1. It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.2. And I shall find some girl perhaps, and a better one than you, With eyes as wise, but kindlier, and lips as soft, but true, and I daresay she will do.3. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

What We Got in a Street of Shops

I was the founding Chairman of a trading group for locally run independent shops in Sunderland City Centre and the following piece catalogues all the types of goods available in the four streets. I wrote it in 1999 and already it is out of date..the giutar shop is a nightclub, the DIY store is a pub, to name but two changes. In a few years time when retailers have deserted the high street in favour of out of town retail parks and eShops, this will be quaint nostalgiaWhat We GotThere's computer games, picture framesLights, tights and holiday flightsArtist's studio, Art Garfunkel, Art DecorSaws, doors, parquet floorsSlot machines, kiddies jeansBacon, sausage, chips and beansHoover bags, sleeping bags, twenty fags, glossy magsFacial scrub, Italian grubEven a widget (at the pub)You can buy some meat, back a suite, back a horseGet a divorceThere's dollies houses, computer mousesOutdoor pursuits, out-size suitsTellies and welliesBellies pierced, bellied pork, pork pies, hair dyes, hi-fi'sBeds for sunning, pipes for plumbingClairvoyancy...could you see that coming?Driving Lessons (choice of two)Clothing, books, old and newDo you need a new tutu?Howsabout a nice tattoo?A wedding gown or tanning brownUniforms and unicornsPills for piles, office files, retro stylesBeds, nibs and broomsticksPhoto pics, compact discs, computer discsslipped discs cured, lives assuredCondoms, popadoms, CD Roms, Last night at the Proms(On record) very rare, beauty treatment, cutting hairPies prepared, flies repairedCurtains, blinds, dentures, specsInvesting cash, cashing chequesDiamond rings, guitar stringsCars ( and other things with wings)Repairs to washers, driers, fridgesMuch more choice than at The BridgesPark Lane Shopping...what a spotWhat we got...we got the lot

Give a Doggerel a Bad Name

Doggerel has a bad name in the Dictionaries of the World.

It is usually defined as a derogatory term for poetry considered of little literary value. The word probably derives from dog, suggesting either ugliness or unpalatability (as in food fit only for dogs)... trite, cliche, or overly sentimental content, forced or imprecise rhymes, faulty metre. A sort of loose or irregular verse; mean or undignified poetry. Pejorative words include rude, crude, poor, trivial

Well, with doggedness I'm going to campaign to have all the pejorativity removed and shift the meaning towards what some American dictionaries say "often of a humorous or burlesque nature". Work of the likes of Pam Ayres, Spike Milligan or Ogden Nash is not really poetry so it needs its own word....doggerel

Here's a few nice bits of doggerel

On yonder hill, there stood a cooIt's no there nooIt must have shiftedOften said to be by William Topaz McGonagall but he never used Scottish slang.It is likely to have been by Spike Milligan in a sketch about Mc Goonagall

Howsabout this gem written by I know not

Hogamus, higamusMen are polygamousHigamus, hogamusWomen, monogamous

Or this by Roland Young

And here's the happy bounding flea?You cannot tell the he from she.The sexes look alike, you seeBut she can tell and so can he. . . .

Or these by Ogden Nash

Celery, raw

Develops the jaw,

But celery, stewed,

Is more quietly chewed.

****The Cow

The cow is of the bovine ilk;

One end is moo, the other, milk.

Or this by Me, inspired by Gary Larson's The Far Side cartoon, shown at the top of this page where Noah is saying "Listen up, we're going to do this alphabetically"

To all the animals waitingAt the gang plank of the ArkNoah said "Load up alphabeticallyStarting with aardvark"

The adder was very happyThe antelope said "good call"But the yak and the zebraJust weren't happy at all

"OK", said Noah "lets start with the ones with the fewest legs"A centipede said "that's absurd""Well what a good idea"Said a stork to another bird

So all the birds prepared to loadFiling in two by two"I must be first " came the shoutOf a little kangaroo

"Wait your turn" said the birds"You've got two legs just like usTry to be patientStop making all this fuss"

It took a while for the little joeyTo emerge from the bunchIt's not easy to hop when one of your legsWas once a crocodile's lunch

It should be us, but we'll just swimSaid two hunch backed whales"We must be first" said two french frogsAssisted by two snails

All at once the heavens openedHeavy rain came falling downNoah said "Let's start with the smallestOr they will surely drown

"Yippee" said the flea"Aye, aye" said the fly"Bah poey" was the callOf both hippopotami

How long it took, we'll never knowBut one thing's for sureNoah spent the 40 days and nightsShovelling manure

60th Birthday One Liners

Today is the 60th birthday of the next King of England so I thought I'd gather together some 60th birthday one liners and I'll tell you whyThe most popular search term under the heading of 60th birthday is not 60th birthday gift ideas but '60th birthday one liners'. This wouldn't be odd if people generally when searching for something to say on someone's birthday used the expression 'one liners'...but they don't. They say birthday poems, birthday verses, birthday quotes, usually accompanied by the adjectives 'free' and 'funny'. When it comes to the 60th birthday it would seem that people, en masse, feel that the poor 60 year old hasn't the attention span to cope with a whole four line verse but can just about manage a one linerIf you Google 60th birthday one liners you get on the first page not a single site that's in the business of providing things to say on birthday cards..and there are many, including my own verses4cards site so, for example a candy company has exploited the popularity of the search term and the lack of attention given to it by poem/quote providers.

Well I'm a poem/verse/rhyme provider and by virtue of the following one liners, hand selected by me, we'll see whether this blog entry on this brand new blog climbs the greasy pole and gets beyond the candy company

UPDATE

19 days after '60th birthday one liners' was posted here it was on page one of the Google results page in 4th position just below the candy company. I've made another change so in another 20 days or so I hope to get in pole position. I'll let you know. UPDATE On 13th Dec, just 29 days after posting, this page made it to No 1 using the search term 60th birthday one liners.

So here goes

Happy 60th Birthday. My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." -Ogden Nash

Happy 60th Birthday! You're not getting older...just more distinguished!

It is often said that With Age Comes Wisdom and you're One Of The Wisest People I Know!

Just like fine wine, you grow better with the years! Happy 60th Birthday!Today, be aware of how you are spending your 1,440 beautiful moments, and spend them wisely... and since today is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun, enjoy the trip.You're not getting older, you're getting better.Youth is a work of nature, but age is a work of art! Congratulations on your second childhood! Happy 60th Birthday!As William Shakespeare might have said of you

Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity?

"There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents and only one for birthday presents, you know." This Lewis Carroll quotation is invaluable and is my birthday present to you

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old." -George Burns

God grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Sixty! Now is the time to make your mark on the world – explore the Antarctic or become an astronaut. Make your mind up to take on exciting new challenges - straight after your afternoon nap.

Today, on your 60th birthday be aware of how you are spending your 1,440 beautiful moments, and spend them wisely.Happy 60th Birthday and remember, as the Chinese say: You can not prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair (added extra)

Remember hair!How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before it's afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the time has flewn.

How did it get so late so soon?

Dr. Seuss

May the best of your past (and you’ve got a lot) be the worst of your future. Happy 60th

Happy 60th Birthday and by now you‘ll know: There is still no cure for the common birthday and you’ll also be aware that reaching another birthday is much better than the alternative

Happy 60th Birthday . Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending

If you cannot do great things at the age of 60, do small things in a great way

Happy 60th birthday HRH CharlesandHappy 60th Birthday Phil Bex(a dear old school pal of mine)

For a few more 60th birthday one liners

This 60th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use60th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 40th Birthday, 50th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Obama Funny Jokes 111408

1. Question: Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?Answer: If he were any heavier he wouldn’t be able to walk on water.2. Question: Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?Answer: Because Carter doesn’t want to be the worst President in history.3. "Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." - Jay Leno

Sad Text Messages 111308

1. You told me, you don't have any regrets the time she left you nor you cry but I just smiled because the fact is I don't believe you because while you slept at my side you cry and whisper "Does she still remember me.2. It's not easy to hope for nothing, it's hard to love someone, who loved someone else. And it's not easy to play a hero in a life of someone who doesn't care you even a little, but most of all it's not easy to get hurt because you don't have right to.3. Once you told me that you love me, and you will never left me ... and you're ready to wait me but I just gone for a while but you were already with someone else, tears fall because you're so unfair because just love me when she's not around.

Mr President

Here's some song lyrics I wrote influenced by the Nixon/Watergate scandal in 1974 but it's really about the most powerful man in the World being subservient to the most powerful democracy in the World

Mr President

Don't threaten me you creepsI'm on the outsideAs creator I'm above your goddam lawI've bugged you all but don't you dare to bug meI'm Mr Big-you'll only lose for sureOh minions, don't point your ink stained fingersEverything I did was for the goodI'm really Mr Nice...smile for the camerasIt's just that I'm a man misunderstood

My tapes will only tell youWhat I want them toAs mentor, I know what is good for youI grimmaced and you fools thought I was smilingI lied and you mistook it for the truthThe World, you know, is full of trouble makersThe Commy must be killed before he runsI'm really Mr Peace...ful of intentionsI've ended wars before with my big guns

Middle eight

Who's sown the seeds of disillusion?Who's thrown the dream into confusion?And who?Who's wreaking havoc in my town?Who's blown the gaff?They'll have to change the staffNow the people know what happens when the blinds come down

Don't take me onYou'll only suffer two foldThe farmer boy has left the plough behindYou're not man enough for me..you live in darknessDon't you know what farmers do to mice that's blindHave you seen my interviews in all the papers?The fools who put me down now pay my wayI'm really Mr Rich...man in retirementDid you catch my TV show yesterday?

Jon Bratton copyright 1975

You have the tunes, I supply you with the words. When the completed song is published and earns royalties, or any other monetary return, will appropriate royalties, per the industry standard, become payable to me, the copyright owner Jon Bratton

The Real Architect

Although the lyrics were inspired by the building of the Byker Wall, in every repect the sentiments, while reflecting a very bad period in the 60's for social housing, did not reflect the Byker Wall project itself nor the architect Ralph ErskineThe fact that I saw houses still occupied with what seemed like another monstrosity rising up adjacently reflected Ralph Erskine's socialist values...he kept the whole community together.. values instilled in him by his father who did not have a big estate but being a Presbyterian minister lived in a modest church house .Currently, 2008 the Byker Wall, loved by the tenants, is having a facelift...new bits of plastic and bitumastic...to extend its very successful life

The Architect

Having told you last time that comic verse is what I do best the first rhyming stuff I produced was a batch of song lyrics.In 1973 Jack, a friend who played guitar in a group had written a tune and wanted lyrics to it. I didn't have the tune in my head then so I wrote lyrics with a view to Jack writing a tune around my lyrics. I'd write lyrics to his tune once I knew it... which I subsequently did..altho' I don't think Jack liked thoseI was working for Northumberland County Council based in Newcastle upon Tyne and was in Byker where the old terraced houses were still occupied but rising up nearby was a huge concrete pile which became the Byker Wall. ( The picture above is not of Byker..it merely illustrates the ...the new moon Wi'the auld moon in her arm)

Here's the lyricsThe Architect

Rows and rows of terraced housesNo one here ever grousesThey don't mind their sooty fluesThey don't mind the outside loos"Slums, decayed with neglect"So says the architectThey're just slums, he'll pull them downThey don’t want their two-up, two-downFlats in blocks of fourBlocks with one front doorWith walls of plastic glassAnd lawns of concrete grassHis birth was pre-destined fateHis father had a big estateAnd he may have been a perfect foolBut he went to public schoolWhere he was taught to decideWhere the people should resideThey’re just slums etcHis mansion is Edwardian styleHis garden stretches half a mileHis wife wears a mink furAnd she is a CouncillorIn chamber walls of wood veneerShe helps to further his careerThey’re just slums etcDoes he like coloured plasticConcrete and bitumastic?Would he swap his silk and laceTo live in a placeThat he says with all his pompIt's what the people really wantThey’re just slums etcNow, the Council all applaudThey've won a Civic Trust AwardNo more pop-in neighbours, passers-byJust concrete walkways in the skyWho cares if the rents have soared?Who cares if the bairns are bored?***

The Byker Wall was awarded a Civic Trust Award ..so was I prophetic or what?In 1974 T Dan Smith the leader of the Council in the 1960's was tried and found guilty of accepting bribes from architect John Poulson. Many blocks of flats and walkways in the sky were pulled down because they were social failures, vandalised, riddled with condensation etc. never part of the original lyrics, I subsequently added the followingThe plastic faded, the work was shoddyAnd now, you can't find anybodyNot from the Council, nor the folks round hereThat thought them flats were a good ideaThey've all var nye disappearedWith huge Ratepayers' debts, still unclearedThey've got their houses back, no sooty fluesWith centrally heated inside loosWhen I think of all that condensationThey got no money, but the compensationIs that the Architect that screwed this townWas still banged up... when the flats came downJon Bratton copyright 1973-1993

So tunesters, if you've written a great tune, but you can't write the words you're come to the right place. These song lyrics and others in subsequent postings are free for you to use for your own tunesAll these until now unpublished lyrics are free to use with your music until royalties, or money is derived in any way from the song, become payable. Use the comments facility on each blog to say which lyrics you are using and leave your contact detailsYou compose the music and use my free lyrics to complete your song and when the song earns any income you need to share the royalties appropriately, per industry standardsAll lyrics remain the property of the copyright holder Jon Bratton.

Obama Funny Jokes 111308

1. Question: Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?Answer: It was ours.2. Question: Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?Answer: Because he’s running out of George Bush jokes.3. Question: Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?Answer: Because she’s running out of other crazy things to do.

Sweet Text Messages 111308

1. Love is like a roller coaster. it has its ups and downs, twists and turns but at the end you are next to the person who means the most.2. The funny thing is... I can hug guys that I don't like.I can talk to guys that I don't like. I can flirt with guys I don't like.But when it comes to you, I can't do any of it... it's not that I don't like you, it's just I blank out.3. Why every time we get hurt we always pretend that we are fine. We always showed to others that we are ok but when we are alone in room we do nothing rather than cry and long that he's still in your side.

How It All Started

For the first 25 years of my life, I wrote not a single rhyme. At school I had no interest in poetry nor in any kind of writing because I didn’t believe I could write well, and I definitely couldn’t, when compared to a friend of mine, Elaine, who could create worthy literature just writing a note to the milkman. The only essay at school that produced a positive comment from the teacher was when the subject of the essay was satire and I wrote a very funny piece in a schoolboy sort of way, as best as I recallWhen I was about 16 my cousin emigrated to Canada and I wrote her many letters which she reported back as being funny...I hope she didn't mean peculiar! I discovered I could write well…if comedy was involved. Later, my forte turned out to be the writing of funny rhymesLooking back, I was drawn towards the monologues of Stanley Holloway …They found 'Arold so stately and grand,Sitting there with an eye-full of arrowOn his 'orse, with his 'awk in his 'and.....and Flanders and Swann songs…I'm a g-nu,The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo…which I heard on Uncle Mac’s Children’s Favourites on Saturday morning radio. I’ve always thought that the seeking of a rhyme added additional humour , as in Albert and the Lion when the Ramsbottoms thought it awful that young Albert was eaten'And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too.'and'And after we've paid to come in.'I'll continue this, anon, when I've found my archives

Obama Funny Jokes 111208

1. Question: What do Obama and Osama have in common?Answer: They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.2. Question: Why won’t Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?Answer: It shows that he didn’t have a virgin birth.3. Question: Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?Answer: He thought Barry sounded too American.

My Aardvark and Friends

I'm still loft rummaging but to keep you entertained here's a silly little thing I wrote in 2005I already had an aardvark and an octopusSo you can imagine the almighty fussWhen I took home a hippopotamusWhen I did it again next day, me Dad just cusses"Two bloomin' hippopotamusesThey're as big as double decker buses""Actually", says I, "it's better to say hippopotamiThough never double decker biDon't ask me why"...but he did ask me why"Grammar" was my replyMe Dad thought I was taking the pissHe said " Hey, leave me Mother out of this"Grandma wasn't happy at me getting a new pet"I haven't finished the gloves for your octopus yet"She declares"I've only knitted 4 pairs(She wanted spares)And what's more,I'm knitting bootees for your AuntWell, not for her, for her ele phantIt's all such a palaverThat aardvark'll wait ages for his balaclavaI'm 82, me lad, and not a fast knitterAnd I don't want to sound bitterBut keeping 5 large creatures in a bedsitter....Is not very matureConsidering the manure"

Obama Funny Jokes 111108

1. "Barack Obama, apparently, is so popular in the African town where his father was born that they've named a beer after him there. Isn't that cool? Yeah. The Obama beer is called a 'Black and Tan and Asian and Caucasian.' A complicated drink." --Conan O'Brien2. "What a historic night. The first time an actual black person is leading the charge for a major American political party. I think that says something pretty great about America: we will accept a black man to lead us if the only other choice is a woman." –Bill Maher3. "Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, well, yes, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters." –David Letterman

Intro and Love Poem

Hi, I'm Jon...a blogging virgin..this is my first time blogging but not my first venture into websites. I'm the webmaster of an embarrassing number of websites. If interested, http://www.jbratton.com/ ,which I'm still developing, gives a trail to many of my other websitesFor 35 years I've written rhyming material, predominantly humorous stuff and most of it I've still got, in 'back of an envelope' form, kicking about in the loft somewhere. I thought I'd publish it all in this blog, chronologically as it was written, with a bit of commentary to put each piece in context.I need to dig it all out to know exactly how I'll proceed but I think the work will fall into phases, starting in 1973 with a bunch of song lyrics which I wrote over, I suppose, a couple of years. There would have been a few little humorous pieces for, say, a valentine card or two also in that first decadeIn 1983 I went to work in the Middle East and in the next 7 years I wrote and delivered many multiple versed speeches which invariably startedThis is just a little dittyA Ma Salama poemTo say goodbye to our dear friendsAs they make their way back home.There were also a few pieces written for, and performed in an Am Dram TheatreIn 1990 I returned to the UK and within a couple of years after that I bought a Picture Framing Art Craft Shop..the most interesting shop in town..probablyWith my artist pal Jim Harker we produced a product called a Doodle Ditty which was a framed up caricature, alongside a few verses about the 'victim'. I have a huge pile of the draft poems and indeed a few of Jim's draft drawingsIn 2004 my son Gary launched a website http://www.imag-e-nation.com/ which was an eShop to sell craft products, mainly for handmade card makers, as well as providing a forum, gallery, tips, techniques and verses for cardsTo support that website ie to send it traffic I developed http://www.verses4cards.co.uk/ and wrote a lot of verses, as well as perloining 'author unknown' stuff already on the web.That brings us to the present time. I'm off to rummage in the loft for my VersaTile Scribblings but in the meantime here's a Love poem I wrote for the St Valentines Verses section of the website to give you a little flavour of what to expect over the coming monthsThis is a love poemWhat I have writtenCos with all consuming loveI've been smittenAnd when I say smittenI mean everywhereThere's one bit, particularly smitBut let's not go down thereI say this joyouslyEcstatically, euphorically and suchCos I love you, verilyVerily, verily muchI've told everyone I love youThere's no one I didn't tellWhy, I even told the vicarAnd he toll'd the bellWilliam Shakespeare wrote sonnetly"Love is as a fever, longing still"I think he's rightI've never felt so illCos I'm o'er brimming with love's feverYet all atingle, aroused, excitedAnd as to the state of me trothIt's well and truly plightedI've come over all funnyBut that's your effect on meIt's cos I love you more than.......a dog loves a tree...a lumberjack loves a cucumber snack...a fish loves staying wet.... Romeo loved Juliet...an aardvark loves antsI've a stirring in me......mindFor the right words, sentimentsI'm grasping, gropingThis poem could go on foreverLike us I'm hoping

Obama Funny Jokes 110908

1. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?Answer: He accidently smoked it.2. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?Answer: Hillary Clinton won't give it back to him.3. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?Answer: He wants to surprise us at his swearing in.

Obama Funny Jokes 110808

1. Question: What's the difference between Obama bin Biden and Osama bin Laden?Answer: With Obama bin Biden you get two for the price of one.2. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?Answer: He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it.3. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?Answer: The ink isn't dry yet.

Sad Text Messages 110408

1. Why do we ignore the ones who adore us and then adore the ones who ignore us?Why love the ones who hurt us and then Hurt the ones who love us?2. Here I am in the darkness once again... Getting hurt... But still clinging on to the hope that one day you'll love me back.3. Why would you rather love her if you know she's going to hurt you, and reject me when you know I'd give anything for you?

Inspirational Text Messages 110308

1. A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.2. A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man perfected without trials.3. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Halloween Text Messages 110208

1. Q: What do witches eat at Halloween?A: Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!2. Q: What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?A: No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!3. Q: Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?A: It was for "tick or tweet"!

Scary Text Messages 110108

1. The poor Mexican was laying on his death bed with only hours to live. Suddenly he smelled the tamales he loved so dearly. So the terminally ill man pulled himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen. There his wife was removing a fresh batch from the stove top. As he reached for one, his wife smacked him on the head with a spoon, “Leave them alone! They’re for your funeral.”2. It was d cremation of thegrandma of a child. Allrelatives stood in silence.Everybody was silent til the childsuddenly asked out of curiosity…“ma, hindi pa ba luto si lola?”3. A guy walks into a library and says to the prim librarian, “Excuse me, Miss, do you have books on suicide?” To which, she stops her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, “Fuck off, you bugger, you won’t bring it back!”