Christmas Comedy Poems

Christmas Comedy PoemsSanta has to visit 378 million kids

In 108 million homes, it’s reckonedBecause of the Earth’s rotation he’s got 31 hoursThat’s 967.7 visits per second.

That’s 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh,Fill the stockings, eat a snack

Climb up the chimneyClean off the black and refill the sack

His total trip is 75.5 million miles,

That’s 650 miles per second, to fly

In a sleigh carrying 500 thousand tons,Plus one very fat guy

He needs 360,000 reindeersPayload now 600,000 tons, let’s supposeGenerating 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second

No wonder Rudolf has a red nose

With acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.Santa is pinned to the back of the sleighBy 4.3 million pounds of force,

Christmas Eve, for him, is one tough day

Hope he is good to you

And all the best for 2009

Now if you’ve been sent here from my other website on the pretext that you’ll find great Christmas verses/poems for parents, friends, children, Christians, your pastor, your lover, your spouse and your boss then this is your lucky day for this is the very poem I’ve sent to my Mum (Mom) Arthur, my friend, my two kids, my Christian cousin, my pasta ( I don’t have a pastor but I’m particularly fond of a pepperoni pasta, which at this time of year I like to be deep and crisp and even), my lover, my spouse and my boss (those last three were just one person). Without further more, here’s the poem you have come, in droves, to see and I defy you not to copy and paste it and send it to the group of your acquaintances I have just over-spammed

What does a reindeer hang on his Christmas tree?

Horn-aments of courseBut not his horns, coz without his hornsHe’d be a horseWhere would a reindeer go if it lost its tail?

To a re-tail shop, it’s true

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?

Anything… coz he can’t hear you!How do you get into Rudolf's house?

You ring the deer-bell!Who would get a gift from Santelope?

A well behaved gazelleWhat did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve !What do you call a letter sent up the chimney ?

Black mail, I believeWho delivers cat's Christmas presents ?

Well that’s Santa Paws !

And Dumbo’s Christmas presents?

That’s Elephanta Claus !What do snowboys wear on their heads ?

Ice caps, but just until they’re olderWhen the snowboy offended his snowgirlfriend

She gave him the cold shoulder !What do you call an Eskimo cow ?

I’d say an Eskimoo !

How do snowmen travel about?

By icicle, that’s hooYou’re probably thinking that to make up this intellectual stuff

Expensive poetry lessons were boughtWell you’d be wrong, so there

I am completely elf taught

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZThat’s my Christmas message, can you tell?

You like it? You get it? Well??

There’s no L,

Noel,

I need a glass of HIJKLMNO

H to OH2OEnough alreadyI really need to go

But hey have a really Merry ChristmasBut take it steady on the pisteOr you’ll be sending messages to your friendsAs ridiculous as thisteEnjoy and remember a dog is not just for ChristmasThere’ll be loads left overFor Boxing Day and to make soup with the carcassBy the way, his name was RoverCatch the Christmas spiritChristmas beer, port, Champers, Baileys and, if you must, mulled wineAnd all the very bestFor two-00-nine

Here's some

More Christmas Comedy Poems

but first

Pimp My Sleigh

and nowIf Santa was....

If Santa was a (surname)Cockneyan OzzieCalifornianLiverpudlianfrom Anytownetc

If Santa was a (New Yorker)He'd be a builder on the sideBecause chimneys are very narrowAnd Santa's very wideOvernight, there would appearA big hole in your roofAnd you'd know that Santa did itBut you wouldn't have the proofIn January, S. Claus Roofing ContractorsWould take your remaining moneyWhile you saved up for the arrivalOf the (New York) Easter Bunny___

If Santa was a (Durham lad)There'd be money to be madeGetting a Christmas singleIn the hit paradeWith a waistline just like Meatloaf'sAnd a beard like ZZ Top'sHe'd have the perfect imageTo make Top of the PopsAnd you'd have to get his recordCos' if it wasn't on your listYou'd find on Christmas morningYou'd been accidently missed__

If Santa was (as shrewd as you)He'd take a royalty shareOf the billions of Santa cardsPublished every yearHe'd be bigger than Walt DisneyAnd Spielberg put togetherHe'd move to a tax havenAnd enjoy the better weatherAnd if you expected him to visit youYou'd have to save up all the SummerHouse calls are expensiveHave you ever called a plumber?_____

If Santa was a (Techie)He'd suss out there's no wayTo visit 100 million homesIn a reindeer powered sleighHe'd use the latest technologyTo get his deliveries doneIn time to have a pint or twoAnd a bit of Christmas funThe reindeers would be his pit stop crewHe'd drive a BenettonAnd all Summer long he'd make extra doshWinning Formula One__

If Santa was a (Chav)He'd join the dole queueBecause apart from Christmas deliveriesHe's got nothing else to doBut he wouldn't put his feet upAnd watch daytime TVHe'd find himself an "earner"Strictly cash - no VATAs he's got a reindeer farmHe'd probably be foundOn a barrow, flogging cheap deer burgersOutside the football ground

Do not read this last one if you're easily offended

Christmas Comedy Poem which is rudy, dirty, naughty but not veryA most distinguished ladyWalks into a tattoo parlour, and sits down.The owner is amazed to see such a womanIn his seedy shop, in this seedy townImmediately he goes over to the womanTo find out why.To his shock, (and utter delight), she lifts up her dress,And points to her right inner thigh..Very high up.... "Right here," she says"I want a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving' See?”Then she points to her left inner thigh“Here I want a decorated Christmas tree,And I want the words 'Christmas Day'“.The tattoo artist, still staring at the woman’s thighSaid "Lady it's none of my business,But I just gotta ask why?”"Well," replies the lady "I’m sick of hearing my husband sayThere’s never anything good to eatBetween Thanksgiving and Christmas Day"Jon Bratton copyright two-00-eight

Click on the comments to see Mariah's contribution to Christmas comedy poems about mad Christmas pressie buying entitled T'was the Night Before Black Friday