Wedding Speech

This is continuation of the poem about Dick the horticulturist which I started yesterday, which was last month. The title reflects the best search term since this part of the poem is about Dick meeting his future wife and could be useful for a best man's speech

Hadrian's Wall made a lot of senseAye te keep you bloody Sassenachs ootHe should have built an electric fence

Horticulturist sows...first, his wild oats, and then, the seeds of love

That's just enough of your insultsThat's not why we're hereWe're doing a sort of 'This is Your Life'Let's start with Dick's career

Dick considered off-shore bankingBut he's no money vultureSo having nothing else to do in JerseyHe turned to horticulture

So straight away Dick found a whoreA Swedish girl on the gameShe was the perfect specimenAnd Wanda was her name

He took her to the operaAnd, to museums and thingsBut none of this appealed to herShe just liked diamond rings

She didn't care for ShakespeareShe just wanted a coat of minkDick discovered you can lead a hor ti culture

But you cannot make her think

Wanda was good for sowing wild oatsBut Dick began to shopNow that he was into sowingHe sought a maximum crop

Now look I've warned youYou're just being crudeWell, let's face it...Dick's appetite for sexIs like his appetite for food

Anyway, he decided to join a choirHe'd heard singers could be funAnd besides, if he could get a SingerHe'd get more sewing done

His friends had in mind the perfect girlWho taught in the local classHer name of course was MaryOur bonny Scottish lass

Wanda would do anything for dick

That's Wanda would do anything, for DickBut Dick's friends had this thoughtTo make him interestedIn a refined, more cultured sort

Would Dick go for a teacher?His friends just couldn't tell"Yes", said Dick, "I like TeachersAnd Johnny Walker as well

In fact I like any brand of whisky"

A misunderstanding we think

Well, it's not just food and sex Dick likesHe's also fond of drink

Dick and Mary's relationshipAt this stage was platonicYep, to Dick it was just playTo Mary, a tonic

She sought reassuranceAfter each and every boutHer mother said she must be goodAnd of that, Dick had no doubt

Dick could see the benefitOf marrying this Catholic lassShe was a regular in the choirAnd never missed a mass

Not the least of these attractionsWas her very nameYou see her initials then were M.S.After marriage, they'd be the same

Dick worked on simple logicAnd it was undoubtedly trueShe wouldn't need new handkerchiefsThat would save a bob or two

To most of us that logicWould be kinda funnyBut Dick didn't just crave food, sex and drinkHe was also into money

Anyway, while Dick was working out his sumsMary announced she'd goOn a teaching job to KenyaWith the VSO

She was well prepared for what she facedCountless unknown ravagesWell, she'd grown up in ScotlandSurrounded by Savages

Hey steady on mateYou may be absolutely rightBut there's quite a few Scotsmen hereLet's not start a fight

By pre-arrangement a Scotsman interjects

See you Jimmy, see youAm prepared to let that passBut any more and aah'll rip yer heed aff, so ah willAnd stick it up yer ass

You see, that's just typicalHadrian's Wall made a lot of senseScotsman again Aye te keep you bloody Sassenachs ootHe should have built an electric fence

Ah ha they didn't have elec...Please fellas, simmer downWe don't want this kind of strifeWhy not? The Salisburys have to face thisEvery day of their married life

Sir, he wasn't insulting ScotsmenMary's maiden name was SavageWell, his outburst serves to illustrateThe problems of mixed marriage

Anyway, off Mary went to KenyaTo teach them ABC'sLeaving Dick in his tomato patchWith muck up to his knees

As Mary had departedAnd taken poor Dick's heartDick too, developed wanderlustYeah a lust for Wanda, his little Swedish tart

No I mean he wanted to see the WorldTo open a new doorYeah Wanda's...it was her foreign partsHe wanted to explore

One day, as planes passed over headDick was tilling in the rainHe decided the next one out of thereWould be a Salisbury plane

.....to be continued. Dick was now in the Middle East, Mary in Africa. Would they marry? What became of Wanda? More tomorrow